


Crazy For You

by amethystfox, ayerlind



Series: I Could Live a Little More [13]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Aftercare, Aldertonghen, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone is Poly Because Spurs, Hand Jobs, Harry and Juanito's friendship is everything, Impact Play, Jazzaniga, Jinks, M/M, Mertigne, Mertonghen, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex, POV: Dries, POV: Harry, POV: Jan, POV: Paulo, POV: Toby, Polyamory, Riding Crops, Rough Sex, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, Tottenham Hotspur F.C., Tottenham Hotspur FC - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:00:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25774003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethystfox/pseuds/amethystfox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayerlind/pseuds/ayerlind
Summary: October 2019Jan knew just how lucky he was. No matter what else happened in his life, he had multiple partners to turn to for support, comfort, reassurance. Add to that the distinctly different needs, sexual and emotional, that each of them filled for him, and Jan couldn't ask for much more...
Relationships: Dries Mertens/Jan Vertonghen, Jan Vertonghen/Harry Winks, Juan Foyth & Harry Winks, Lorenzo Insigne/Dries Mertens, Paulo Gazzaniga/Jan Vertonghen, Toby Alderweireld/Jan Vertonghen
Series: I Could Live a Little More [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621807
Comments: 13
Kudos: 46





	1. Jan

October 2019  
London

Jan drifted awake gradually, smiling to himself as he realised that the warm body pressed against him, cradled protectively in his arms, was Harry. They had had a brief nap after training, snuggled together in Harry's bed, exhausted after a hard day. Training hadn't been easy recently in any sense. Their form had been slumping, and now with Hugo's injury, their humiliation against Bayern, the outlook on the season was growing rather bleak.

But here, with Harry wrapped up safe in his arms, Jan could forget all of that for a little while. 

He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the back of Harry's head, breathing in the warm scent of his hair, humming faintly to himself with satisfaction when Harry shifted in his arms, just a little bit, nestling even closer to Jan. His lips began to wander, dusting tiny kisses all around his ear, in the hollow beneath his jaw, down the soft skin of his neck, then back up and across his cheek, nuzzling gently against the edge of the brown, freckled face of the sleeping man in his arms.

"Harry," Jan breathed, not really intending to wake him up but unable to keep from lavishing affection on him. "So beautiful."

Harry made a soft moaning sound and turned his head towards Jan, his eyelashes beginning to flutter as he slowly inched toward wakefulness. He shifted in Jan's arms again, and this time his ass moved too, rubbing right up against Jan's half-hard dick, sending a shiver through his whole body. Jan ignored it for the time being though, just kept dropping feather-light kisses on Harry's face and neck, stroking what little bits of his chest and arms Jan could reach without loosing his hold.

Harry stirred more and more as Jan continued to nuzzle at him, until finally he smiled without opening his eyes. "That has to be the best way to wake up," he murmured dreamily. "Can you just wake me up that way every morning?"

Jan chuckled low in his throat. "I wish I could, baby." He continued petting and caressing Harry, occasionally rolling his hips to press his erection against Harry's ass.

"Mmm, that's also a good way to wake up," Harry said, pushing back against Jan with his hips.

"You like that, hmm?" Jan murmured. His touches began to grow firmer, his hand beginning to wander a bit, gently teasing Harry's nipples, tracing the ridge of every one of his abs, light as a whisper over the ticklish spot on the inside of his hip. He found Harry's dick, already rock hard, and gave it a gentle squeeze. Harry let out a low moan and opened his eyes, smiling hazily up at Jan.

"Hi there." Jan smiled and kissed him tenderly, responding readily when Harry returned the kiss with considerably more heat. When they broke apart Harry was breathing a little quicker, his eyelids heavy as he looked back at Jan, lips still parted.

"Please," he whispered, his voice dripping with longing.

"God, baby," Jan groaned, pulling Harry tight against him again. "You're insatiable." They had already had sex this morning before training, and twice last night as well.

"S'your fault," Harry mumbled. "Make me crazy for you."

"Likewise," Jan breathed, sucking a small bruise into Harry's shoulder. He pulled away then, just long enough to grab a couple of things from the nightstand, then he was back, spooning Harry once more.

Harry let out a soft sigh when Jan slipped a lubed finger inside him, kissed his neck again. They didn't say anything more as Jan slowly worked Harry open, listening to the little hitches in his breathing, the gasps and faint whimpers that served as a soundtrack to their foreplay.

When Jan began to push inside him, though, the whimpers grew less faint, the moans and sighs less soft. Jan wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and moved inside him slowly, feeling in absolutely no rush, determined to enjoy the sweetness of the moment. He held Harry close and made love to him with absolutely no hurry, taking his time, intent on making Harry dissolve into a puddle right there in his arms.

Harry came first, just as Jan had wanted, with his eyes closed and his mouth open in a silent moan as he spilled into Jan's hand, his body shuddering in Jan's arms.

"Good boy," Jan breathed in his ear, letting himself crash over the edge right after, hips melded against Harry's ass, his cock buried deep inside. _"Fuck."_

They lay together for a minute, panting and shivering as they came back down. Finally Jan unwound himself from around Harry and rolled away to grab wipes to clean them up. Once that was done, Harry opened his eyes again and gave Jan a soft, blissful smile.

"That was amazing," he mumbled, reaching up to pull Jan in for another kiss.

"You're amazing," Jan murmured, returning the smile. "Are you hungry?"

Harry let out a little giggle. "Typical. 'Thanks for the sex, what's for dinner?'"

Jan snorted good-naturedly and slid off the bed, stretching. "Well, think about it, anyway. I'm going to get some water."

"Okay," Harry said, his eyes drifting shut. "I think I'm going to just lay here for another minute."

"Okay, baby," Jan said, kissing him gently. "I'll be out in the living room when you're ready to get up."

"Mmm," was the only answer Jan got as Harry nestled down under the blankets again.

Jan smiled to himself as he snagged his phone and went out to the kitchen to fill a water bottle. Then he stretched out on Harry's couch with a faint groan, letting his long body sprawl out across the full length, crossing his feet at the ankles and propping them up on the far armrest. He tucked a throw pillow behind his head and fiddled absently with his phone, still riding high on the afterglow. He replied to a couple of texts from Toby, then opened a puzzle game and let his mind wander as he played, contentment settling over him like a warm blanket, thinking dreamily of how lucky he was. No matter what else happened in his life, he had multiple partners to turn to for support, comfort, reassurance. Add to that the distinctly different needs, sexual and emotional, that each of them filled for him, and Jan felt that he couldn't ask for much more.

He was so lost in thought that when his phone went off in his hands he nearly dropped it. His face lit up when he saw that it was a video call from Dries, though. He hit the answer button eagerly and beamed when the feed connected.

"Hey there," he practically purred when the screen filled with Dries's smiling face. "Was just thinking about you."

_"Oh? Good things, I hope,"_ Dries said with a flirty little pout.

"Always," Jan said, wishing that he could kiss that pout right off of Dries's face. "Just thinking how happy I am, and you're part of why, after all."

_"Aw, look at you being all emotional,"_ Dries teased, but his smile was soft and genuine. _"You do look especially happy today. It's nice to see."_

Jan was about to ask how Dries was doing, how Kat and Lore were, but just then Harry emerged from his bedroom and headed for the kitchen, yawning loudly and stretching his arms over his head. "Can we order something? I know I shouldn't, but I've got a wicked craving for those egg rolls, the ones with the chicken and cream cheese. Where do we get those from again?"

_"Wait, who is thaaaat?"_ Dries asked. Jan glanced over his shoulder and realised that Harry, still completely naked, must have walked directly behind him, right through Dries's field of vision. _"That's not Toby or Paulo, is it?"_ His face grew mischievous. _"Do you have a new guy in your life? You stud, you."_ He raised his voice, switching to English. _"Hey, you with the cute butt, haven't seen you before, what's your name?"_

Harry froze. "What the fuck?" he squealed, diving out of sight behind Jan.

Jan bit his lip to keep from laughing. "It's just Dries," he said over his shoulder. "I think you scared Harry," he told Dries with a grin.

"Okay, who is that?" Harry hissed, scrambling to his knees and peering over Jan's shoulder. 

"Oh, like you don't know," Jan said teasingly.

"Do I?" Harry said, raising an eyebrow. "And where would I know him from?"

Jan frowned. "What are you talking about? It's Dries." There was no possible way he hadn't yet told them about each other, was there? He'd been with Harry for a good few months now, he _had_ to have said something to him about Dries, and vice versa.

Harry jerked his head irritably. "Okay, please stop saying that like it's supposed to help. I need more than a name. And why are you so chill about him seeing me naked?"

_"It's okay, cutie,"_ Dries said reassuringly. _"I don't share Jan's secrets, so you're safe with me. It's just nice to see a new guy in his life."_

"I'm not _new,"_ Harry snapped. "Jan, what the hell? He said something about Paulo and Toby before, didn't he? And he just assumes that you and me are…?"

_"Sweetheart, you walked right by as naked as the day you were born, and Jan is definitely glowing like he just got some,"_ Dries said lightly. _"It's not hard to put together. I had just assumed the glow was to do with one of his other boyfriends."_

Jan's heart jumped into his mouth. Hearing Dries say that, implying that Harry was also Jan's boyfriend, kicked off a panic response in him. His underlying anxiety about the age difference between himself and Harry, the inappropriateness of their relationship, surged to the surface all at once. 

"It's not like that," he said hastily, sitting up on the couch and glancing back at Harry. "He's not my--" He stopped in mid-sentence at the look on Harry's face, like Jan had slapped him-- and not one of their usual playful slaps. 

Harry spoke up again, and his voice was cold. "Jan, please tell me what the fuck is going on here. How come he knew about them two and not about me? Are you ashamed of me?"

Now Dries was frowning too. _"Wait, if you guys didn't just get together, then why doesn't he know about me, either? First you don't tell Paulo about me, and now this. Do you never think about me except when you want to get off?"_

"It's really not like that," Jan said weakly. "I thought I had told you both about each other, I promise."

Dries snorted. _"Okay, then how long has it been with him? Has Paulo let you fuck him yet?"_

"Why wouldn't he?" Harry demanded. "He just got done fucking me a few minutes ago. Is he supposed to have a permission slip or something?"

Dries went quiet at that, which made Jan's blood run cold. Of all the responses he knew how to interpret from Dries, silence was the worst, far worse than yelling. _"I thought it was a big deal. Guess you must be special or something."_

"Driesje…" Jan started.

_"No, it's fine. I… I need to go. I'll talk to you… sometime."_

"Dries, wait, please," Jan pleaded. He switched over to Dutch in desperation. _"Ik hou van je, katje, het spijt me, alsjeblieft…"_ But Dries had already ended the call.

"Shit," Jan growled, throwing his phone down on the couch cushions in frustration and covering his eyes with the heels of his hands. _"Shit."_

The silence stretched out, across one minute, a second, a third. Finally Harry sighed. "Are you at least going to tell me about him now?"

Jan rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat. "Dries is one of my best and oldest friends," he said tiredly. "He's on the national team with me and Tobes. Plays in Italy. And we've been… I don't know what we are. More than friends. For years now, off and on."

"But you didn't tell Paulo about him neither?"

Jan winced. "I didn't mean to keep him a secret, from either of you. I just…" He sighed. "I guess I forget sometimes that people here _wouldn't_ know about him. He's important to me, so much so that it just… doesn't occur to me that you or Paulo wouldn't just be able to look at me and also know about Dries. He's like… a part of me."

Harry was quiet for a while, taking that in. Jan didn't try to look at him. "And why… why did he think Paulo wouldn't let you fuck me?"

"Because Paulo didn't want to let me fuck Dries at first, either. Or do much of anything with him. It… well, it took some doing to get Paulo to agree. I hadn't ever fucked a guy before, so… yeah, it was a big deal."

"But… you fucked me almost right away," Harry objected. "You didn't have to go through any of that with me, did you?"

Jan shook his head. "No. When Paulo told me I should pursue you if I wanted to, he told me straightaway that he wouldn't put any restrictions on what I could do with you. He said he didn't like to limit another Dom with his sub."

"No restrictions at all?" Harry said, sounding dazed.

Jan chuckled. "Well, except for one. Not that I planned to let you top me anytime soon, anyway."

Harry didn't say anything to that, didn't join in Jan's laughter, and they fell into a tense, uncomfortable silence again.

When Harry finally spoke up again, he sounded… god, he sounded painfully young, far more like a little boy than a grown man, scared and vulnerable. "I just... still don't understand. Why didn't you tell him about me? Is it _that_ embarrassing to admit that you're… that we're… whatever the fuck we are?"

Jan's throat was threatening to close up. "Baby, I…" He couldn't seem to finish. He struggled to get words past the tightness in his chest, but nothing got through. Finally he gave up, putting his face in his hands.

"You need to go home, Jan," Harry said in a tremulous voice. "Please."

Jan's head was spinning. He had been so happy, only a few minutes ago-- how could it have changed so quickly? He looked up at his young lover, but Harry's face was red, his eyes far too bright, and Jan had to look away again.

"Winksy," Jan tried. "Please, I… I didn't…"

Harry let out a single, choked sob. _"Go,"_ he said harshly. He got to his feet and disappeared into his bedroom, emerging a moment later with Jan's clothes in his arms. "Here."

"Baby," Jan whispered, but Harry was already heading back into the bedroom, and Jan could hear the click of the lock turning on the door behind him.

  
  


***

When Jan got home, it felt surreal to walk into his house, to come home to his wife and children, his perfectly normal home, his perfectly normal life, after everything that had happened. It was jarring to be greeted at the door by his shrieking children after possibly losing not one but two of his partners.

He still didn't really understand what had happened. Oh, he had a pretty solid understanding of why Dries and Harry were angry with him, but he hadn't intended for any of this to happen. He hadn't deliberately tried to keep them in the dark about each other. He had just… assumed that it was already done.

But why hadn't it occurred to him to make sure? To make it explicit? He had already gotten in enough trouble in his various relationships over this same issue. _Why_ couldn't he just fucking learn to make certain of these things?

"Hi, darling," Sophie called from the living room, and Jan stumbled in that direction, suddenly desperate for someone he loved to hold him, to not be angry with him, to reassure him that maybe he hadn't ruined every good thing in his life.

"Jan?" she said when he landed in the armchair across from her, her eyes worried. "What's wrong?"

He tried to speak, to explain to her what was going on, but he could only gulp back the scream that he could feel lurking just underneath the surface, and shake his head helplessly.

"Come with me," she said firmly, and her hands were on him, pulling him up, out of the chair. He was losing track of his surroundings; now that he was home and safe, he could feel the pain threatening to take over. It almost felt like subspace, except that subspace never hurt like this. He found himself landing on his bed, Sophie's hands still on his skin, her voice coming from somewhere impossibly distant.

"Paulo? I need you. No, it's Jan… I don't know. He can't tell me. Yes, please… Soon as you can. Thanks."

Jan drifted for a while after that. Sophie was stroking his hair, his arms, holding his hand, murmuring to him softly. At one point he was actually surprised to realise that he was crying, tears slipping from his eyes without him having been conscious of them starting to fall.

Then another pair of arms were encircling him, strong and warm. He knew without opening his eyes who it was, would know him by touch, smell, even if he had no senses at all he would know who it was.

"Jan, my love," Paulo said in his ear, as gently as could be. 

"Sir," Jan murmured, trying to open his eyes, but his body didn't seem interested in cooperating.

"Yes, _schatje,"_ Paulo whispered, his lips on Jan's forehead. "It's me. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

Jan tried. He opened his mouth, but then Harry's face swam up before his eyes, angry and hurt, and he choked on it. He swallowed, tried again, but Dries's voice echoed in his ears. _Do you never think about me except to get off?_

"Shhh," Paulo rumbled, and Jan realised that he was making a strange, horrible noise, a noise he'd never known he could make before, a sort of keening, agonised whimper. "No, my love. Focus on me. _Te quiero, mi querido, te quiero tanto. Estoy aquí. Calma, mi amor, escucha mi voz… calma…"_

Paulo whispered to him in soft Spanish for a while, and slowly Jan calmed, breathing steadily. After a while he was even able to open his eyes, though it took him several seconds to focus enough to recognise Paulo and Sophie's faces.

"There you are, my love," Paulo said, smiling. Sophie looked worried, and the tension on her face made something inside him start to tighten into a knot. He had to look away from her, away from her concern, it was too much. He looked straight at Paulo instead, letting himself drift in Paulo's eyes, feeling like he was floating in a calm sea that was the colour of Paulo's eyes.

"My Jan," Paulo said, and his voice was tender. "I want to help you, so I have to find out what's hurting you."

"Please," Jan whispered, feeling a fresh wave of tears threaten.

"Hush," Paulo said quietly. "You are safe here. Sophie is here, and so am I, and we love you. You know this, yes?"

Jan nodded numbly.

"Good, _mi pelirrojito._ Now then. Is anyone hurt?"

Jan shook his head. _Not physically._

"Sophie say you were with Harry earlier, yes?"

Jan nodded again. "Harry," he said, his voice almost a moan of despair. "I'm sorry…"

"Is Harry okay?"

"I… I don't know."

"Is he upset?"

Jan whimpered in pain, and Paulo made a soothing noise, kissing Jan gently. "Did you… did you break up with him?"

"I don't know," Jan said, and then the dam burst. He buried his face in Paulo's neck and managed to get out the general outline of what had happened in between sobs, all of it, about Harry and Dries both.

"I fucked up, so bad, and I'm not even sure how or why, or what to do, and I can't… can't…"

"Darling, I don't really know about Harry, but I do know Dries," Sophie said gently. "It sounds to me like he's hurt, but I don't think he would want to end it with you over this. He loves you too much to let you go. You'll need to make it right, of course, but I think we can fix this."

"We?" Jan whispered.

"Yes, _we._ I'm fond of Dries too. I'll help you sort this out any way I can."

"Harry may be more difficult," Paulo mused. "He isn't exactly fond of me, so I don't know that I can do anything. But tell me this. You like Harry? You still want to be with him?"

"Of course."

"Right now he thinks he isn't important to you, that you are embarrassed of him, of being with him, yes?"

Jan nodded, closing his eyes against a fresh wave of pain.

"Is he wrong?"

"I…" Jan swallowed hard, trying to think. "I just… he's so _young."_

"Yes, but he's an adult," Sophie said gently. "He can make his own decisions, consent to be in any kind of relationship he wants."

"I just feel like such a dirty old man sometimes," Jan admitted. "Like… I'm keeping him from finding someone his own age, someone who's a better fit for him."

"But he don't want someone his own age," Paulo pointed out. "He wants you."

"Do you trust him to know his own mind?" Sophie asked, her eyes intent on his. "Or are you thinking that you know better than he does what's best for him?"

"No, I… I wouldn't…"

"This is an easy trap to get stuck in, as a Dom," Paulo put in. "Thinking that you always know what is best. I have done this myself. But you have to trust him. Without trust no relationship will work, and it has to go both ways."

Jan swallowed again. "I'll… I'll try."

"Then maybe you should tell him this."

Jan looked back and forth between them, then took a few deep breaths. "I will."


	2. Toby

Toby could sense that something wasn't quite right the minute he entered the changing room at training. At a glance everything seemed normal; everyone was in their usual places, doing their usual things. At a glance it seemed to be a normal day.

But a second glance told Toby that Jan was upset. He had spent so long being so intensely tuned into him that he just… knew it, without knowing how he knew. Maybe it was the single extra line that had taken up residence between Jan's eyebrows. Maybe it was just tension in his shoulders. It could even just be the fact that he was moving slightly faster than normal, going through his routine in a series of oddly jerky motions, as if he was on an anxiety-induced autopilot.

He didn't have a chance to get Jan alone enough to ask before they went out on the pitch, though, so he spent a lot of their training time keeping tabs on Jan, looking for any additional clue as to what was wrong.

He intended to try to corner Jan at lunch, but Jan was nowhere to be found. Toby sat down to eat frowning, trying to work out what was going on, and he didn't even see Winks coming over to him until he had sat down directly across from Toby.

"Jeez," Toby muttered, jumping when Harry's lunch tray connected with the table, breaking his concentration. "Don't sneak up on me like that."

Harry's dark eyebrows drew together in confusion. "I was coming at you straight-on, mate. You could've seen me coming the whole way across the room."

Toby blinked and laughed. "Guess I was miles away."

Harry didn't laugh, though. He stared down at his lunch instead, poking at his food with a fork. "Can I… can I talk to you?"

Toby's eyebrow shot up. "About what?" Maybe it was something to do with football. Nothing else would have made any sense. As best he could tell, Winks much preferred to pretend that Toby wasn't one of Jan's other lovers, that he wasn't involved at all. He could almost understand it, even sympathise to an extent, but it did tend to wear on his patience at times.

"It's about… well, about Jan," Winks said hesitantly, and Toby coughed, nearly choking on the sip of water he'd just taken.

"Really?"

"Well, not about Jan… exactly…" Both of Toby's eyebrows were up now, and Harry blushed. "I just… do you know someone named Dries?"

_ Ah, so that's it. _ Toby considered his answer carefully. "Of course. Dries Mertens, on the Belgium national team with me and Jan. Plays for Napoli."

Harry nodded slowly. "Is there… anything else I should know about him?"

Toby was silent for a moment, evaluating the situation. If whatever Winks wanted to ask about was to do with both Jan and Dries, then the odds were good that he had at least an inkling of what their relationship was. He checked his peripheral vision carefully for any ears that were close enough to overhear what he said next.

"When did you find out?"

"Yesterday," Harry mumbled. "By accident." He didn't elaborate further, and Toby decided to let that lie for now.

"Okay… so what do you want to know?"

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it, looking confused. "I don't know," he admitted. "I'm just…" He fell silent for a minute. "Can you tell me what something means? In Dutch, that is?"

Toby winced. He'd heard Harry's attempts at speaking other languages before. "I suppose."

"I don't know how to spell it, or I'd write it down," Harry said apologetically. "I'm not even sure where the word breaks are meant to be." He closed his eyes and rattled off some awkwardly pronounced Dutch. Considering he had probably only heard it once, though, it was impressive that he was able to repeat it at all.

_ Ik hou van je katje het spijt me alsjeblieft. _

Toby took a deep breath, let it out. He could feel some old wounds trying to reopen, but he refused to let them. He had worked hard to get past those particular feelings, and he didn't care for the prospect of undoing all that work.

"It means…" He lowered his voice. "I love you, kitten. I'm sorry. Please."

"Oh." Harry's face seemed to crumple for a moment, then his mask slammed firmly into place, the one he showed the media and the fans. "Cheers." He got up and meandered away, not appearing to notice or care where he was going. He had already left the canteen before Toby realised that he had left his lunch behind.

_ Poor kid. _ Toby could sympathise with him, having spent a couple of years painfully aware of what Jan and Dries were to each other, being jealous, thinking that he could never begin to compete for a place in Jan's affections. It had taken him a great deal of effort to reconcile those feelings, to accept that it wasn't a competition at all. Harry was young and desperately in love; it was understandable that he would be feeling a little lost after being blindsided by Dries's existence.

Toby found himself picking at his lunch, feeling irritable but not quite sure why. He didn't resent Dries, not anymore, but thinking about Harry going through some of the same feelings as he had was still stirring up uncomfortable memories. 

Toby suddenly wished that Jan was here, seized by an abrupt urge to yell at him. Not for loving Dries-- Toby had accepted that some time ago. But there was a key difference between Toby's old feelings about learning that Jan and Dries were lovers and the situation now with Harry. When Toby had found out, he and Jan hadn't been in a relationship of any kind, their one night together notwithstanding, and Jan hadn't had any obligation to tell Toby any details of his private life.

But Harry… Toby wasn't quite sure what exactly Jan's relationship with Harry could be called. Jan very obviously didn't like thinking of Harry as his boyfriend, though Toby didn't really understand why. But whatever word applied, Harry had deserved to be told about Dries, and Jan hadn't done that.

Jan didn't reappear before the end of lunch, so Toby didn't have a chance to ask him about it. Instead, he studied Harry's body language as well as Jan's throughout the rest of training. Yes, they were both upset, there was no doubt about it. And Paulo-- he was tense too, far more than normal. Toby watched them all, tracking every frown, every line of tension, every flash of anger they showed as they ran and jumped and slid and kicked, watched the way their emotions showed through their play.

Paulo knew, he concluded almost immediately. Jan probably went straight to him right after whatever had happened yesterday, whenever Harry had found out about Dries. The way he was actively avoiding looking at or interacting with Harry, kept throwing worried glances in Jan's direction, made it absolutely plain.

And Harry-- well, he was carrying his hurt like a banner, there for anyone to see. Toby wasn't sure if he was doing it deliberately, but by mid-afternoon several of the others were throwing him worried glances. Toby watched Dele and Kyle both try to get him to talk during breaks, but luckily Harry seemed to be ignoring them. They were concerned for their friend, of course, but the last thing a situation like this needed would be the added complications they could bring.

But as Toby was heading off the pitch after the final whistle dismissing them from drills, there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned to see someone he hadn't expected.

"What's going on?" Juan Foyth asked him bluntly as he fell in beside Toby. When Toby stared blankly back at him, one of his eyebrows arched. "Don't tell me you don't know."

"Know what?" Toby tried, but Juan rolled his eyes and elbowed him away from the others.

"Don't," he repeated. "I know you know about them."

"About who?" Toby asked, still trying to bluff his way out, wondering how he could find out what Juan meant without giving anything away.

Juan paused, glancing around. "You have to know," he said, sounding baffled. "I see the way you watch them."

"Maybe," Toby said guardedly.

"So you see it too, yes? You have to. Why are they both upset? And not just them… Harry too, yes?"

Toby blinked slowly, considering. So Juan knew about Jan and Paulo. He supposed that wasn't too surprising, given that Juan watched Paulo the way Harry watched Jan. But it seemed he didn't know about Winksy's involvement. "They definitely seem off their game," he said neutrally, thinking of seeing Paulo miss an easy save, Harry mooning after Jan, his face a mask of pain, and Jan being slowly taken over more and more by his anxiety.

"So again I ask… what's going on?"

"I'm not entirely sure," Toby said truthfully enough, but he could see that Juanito wasn't going to buy it. "I wish I knew."

Juan stared thoughtfully at Paulo, up ahead of them, then angled his head to consider Jan, walking a little ways apart from the group.

"I just worry about them," he said at last. "Is a risky thing they do."

_ You don't know the half of it, my young friend,  _ Toby thought, watching him wander away to trail after Paulo again.

Toby wanted to talk to Jan as soon as he got back to the dressing room, but Jan was already in the showers when he got there, so Toby landed heavily on the bench and dug his phone out of his bag to check for messages as he always did. To his surprise, he actually had some waiting today.

_ >>From: Dries M [15:48]: hey… can I ask you something? _  
_ >>From: Dries M [15:53]: is there someone named Harry that Jan's involved with? _  
_ >>From: Dries M [15:55]: brown hair and freckles? _

Toby glared down at his phone.  _ For fuck's sake. _

_ <<To: Dries M [16:03]: you know I can't answer that _  
_ <<To: Dries M [16:03]: but maybe you should look over the team roster _  
_ <<To: Dries M [16:04]: just saying _

Toby kept one eye on his phone as he started stripping off his training kit, waiting expectantly. Sure enough, after a couple of minutes' silence it lit up again, the force of the vibration making it slide a little on the bench where Toby had put it.

_ Incoming call: Dries M _

Toby picked it up with a sigh, making his way out of the dressing room to the slightly greater privacy of the corridor. At least out here there weren't any ears that could follow a conversation held in Dutch.

"Hi, Driesje," he said, trying to keep his voice level.

_ "I think Jan's replaced me,"  _ Dries said without preamble, and Toby could hear the tears in his voice.  _ "Harry Winks? Is that who he's fucking? It is, right?" _

"I really think you need to talk to Jan," Toby said, deliberately avoiding answering the question. "I doubt he's trying to replace you."

_ "Sure," _ Dries said, and there was a brittleness in his voice that made Toby wince.  _ "He just happened to pick another cute little brown-haired twink to fuck, one that's conveniently close by. Makes sense, really, I bet having him right there makes it easier for Jan to not forget about him." _

"He could never forget about you," Toby said, but Dries was in full voice now, and there was little hope of stopping him before he'd said his piece.

_ "Then why doesn't he tell anyone about me? I know he can't exactly tell the world, but he didn't tell Paulo about me until it got him in trouble, and now... this. I know I'm far away, but… I just… I thought I was more important to him than this." _ Dries was actually crying now, and it wrenched at Toby's heart. He could readily sympathise; he had spent more than enough time crying over Jan himself.

He spent a solid ten minutes trying to soothe Dries, get him to calm down, telling him to just talk to Jan about all of this. It was made more difficult by the anger that was building up inside him. It was rare that Toby got this angry-- off the pitch, anyway-- and practically unheard of for it to be aimed at Jan, but the lingering pain from his own issues with Jan and Dries seemed to be amplifying things. Toby liked both Harry and Dries, and while he didn't for a second believe that Jan would hurt either of them on purpose, seeing how much pain was being caused by his thoughtlessness was making something start to boil over inside him.

When Toby finally got Dries calmed down enough to end the conversation, he stood scowling at the blank screen of his phone for a good sixty seconds after they had hung up, trying to think what to do. 

He still hadn't really decided when he stepped back into the dressing room, but when he saw Jan standing there in nothing but a towel, laughing with Eric Dier, something inside Toby seemed to snap.

Before he knew it he was across the room and had Jan by the arm. "What the hell is the matter with you?" he growled in Dutch.

Jan gave him a startled look, caught off balance. "What?" he said defensively. "I--"

"No, you're going to shut up and listen to me," Toby snarled, his voice rising. "I think you need some things pounded through that thick skull of yours."

"Not in here," Jan said, glancing around. Toby, doing likewise, flushed in embarrassment to see that almost every eye in the dressing room was on them. It wasn't the full squad, of course-- about half were in the showers, including Harry. Paulo was one of the ones watching them, though, and his face was stony.

_ I'll apologise later. _ Toby turned, hauling Jan after him by a firm grip on his arm. He pulled Jan out into the corridor and rounded on him, glaring.

"What?" Jan snapped, pulling his arm free.

"Well, let's start with the fact that I just spent ten minutes on the phone, trying to get Dries to stop crying," Toby shot back. "He thinks you're replacing him with Harry."

"Of course I'm not--"

_ "I _ know that, Jantje, but look at it from his point of view. He finds out you've got another boyfriend, one that's more than a little similar to him, one you  _ forgot _ to tell Dries about--"

"Harry's not my boyfriend," Jan interrupted, reddening.

"If you say so. I don't know how, Jan, but you've managed to hurt them both. Harry asked me to translate something for him, by the way. Did you actually tell Dries you loved him right in front of Harry?" Toby tried, but he couldn't keep his voice from betraying a little more than just indignation in Harry's behalf. He had known that Jan loved Dries, of course, but hadn't ever actually heard it from Jan's lips before. Toby could empathise with Harry on this point more than he could comfortably admit; after all, Jan had never said anything to Toby about love, either.

Jan coughed uncomfortably. "I didn't… I was just trying to stop him from hanging up," he said hotly.

"Good plan," Toby said dryly. "How did that work out?"

Jan laughed, but it was half a sob. "I didn't mean for this to happen," he said, and his eyes were more vulnerable than Toby was used to seeing from him.

"Yeah, well. I just can't believe you didn't tell them about each other," Toby said, deliberately steering himself away from the more dangerous area they were touching on. He wasn't ready to feel sorry for Jan. Anger was better, safer. "After everything else that's happened, with Paulo, with… with me. How could you?"

"I don't  _ know," _ Jan practically shouted at him, making Toby take a step back-- or at least he tried to, but Jan's hand was on his hip, his fingers digging in. "I didn't fucking mean to do this."

"Yeah, but you didn't take the time to prevent it, did you? You could've. How hard would it have been to tell Harry at the beginning? 'By the way, Winksy, you're my fourth boyfriend, just so you know, these are the other three.' But you didn't."

"He's  _ not _ my fucking  _ boyfriend,"  _ Jan snarled.

"Okay, that's another thing," Toby exploded. "What the hell is that about? Why won't you call him your boyfriend?"

Jan squirmed uncomfortably, his face reddening further. "I just… it's not…"

"Okay, look, I know you've got weird feelings about it, him being only twenty-three. To be honest, I'm kind of right there with you. But does not putting a name on it actually make it any less weird?"

"I just--"

"You're fucking him," Toby said, drawing the words out slightly for emphasis. "But calling him your boyfriend is what would make it creepy?"

Jan's face was dark with anger and embarrassment. "You-- you don't--"

Toby realised with a start that Jan was completely hard under the small towel he had wrapped around his waist, his entire body flushed and trembling. He also realised that he was standing close enough to kiss Jan, if he wanted to.

But he didn't want to. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" he demanded in a low voice, palming Jan's dick through the towel.

"I don't know," Jan choked, wincing at the rough texture of the towel against sensitive skin.

Toby made a noise of frustration. "You can't go back in there like that," he growled. "Come here." He manhandled Jan around a corner, into a nook that held a door to a utility closet. Despite himself he could feel his body responding, to Jan's nearness, his almost total nakedness, the heat that the argument had sparked between them. He wasn't exactly in the mood to get his own dick out, but it was enough to make him willing to do this, despite being less than happy with Jan right now.

"Shut your mouth," Toby warned him in a low hiss. He pushed Jan back against the wall, tucked far enough behind the corner that it would be almost impossible for anyone passing by to spot them from the corridor, and reached under the towel.

Jan's dick was hot and heavy in his hand, and when his fingers closed around it Jan let out the faintest of sighs, letting his head rest against the wall. Toby reached up with his free hand and clamped it over Jan's mouth, pressing in closer so that they were chest to chest, pinning him against the wall even as he began stroking him. Toby's mouth was right against Jan's ear, and he bit softly at Jan's earlobe.

"I shouldn't be doing this, you know. I'm so fucking mad at you right now. I should leave you to just jerk yourself off, but being this close to you…" Toby took a deep, shuddering breath and took his hand away from Jan's mouth, moving it up to pull insistently at his hair. "It just makes me crazy.  _ You _ make me crazy."

"I'm… sorry…" Jan gasped as Toby's hand moved faster and faster over his cock. Toby pulled tighter on Jan's hair, tilting his head away from Toby's, exposing the smooth white column of his neck.

"Yeah, I know," Toby mumbled, mouthing his way down and back up Jan's throat. Jan's hips were moving, thrusting into Toby's fist with increasing abandon. "Maybe you need to do more than just apologise, though." 

"Toby… I…"

"Shut up and come already," Toby growled, and sealed his lips over Jan's to swallow his moans as Jan stiffened and spilled into his hand, thrusting his tongue greedily into Jan's mouth, sliding against Jan's tongue.

When Jan's body finally began to relax against him, Toby released him, using Jan's towel to wipe the cum off of his hand. Jan's eyes were closed, his chest heaving, lips red from being bitten.

"Maybe you need to learn to think with something besides your dick," Toby told him quietly, before turning on his heel to return to the dressing room.


	3. Paulo

Paulo caught up with Jan before he entered the canteen at lunchtime that day. Normally Jan was always aware of Paulo's presence, especially when Paulo was concentrating on him, as he was now. Today, though, Jan just kept walking, head down, feet dragging in a way that had little to do with the morning's exertions on the training pitch.

Paulo didn't want to attract attention from anyone but Jan, though, so he rather deliberately brushed against him in the corridor, knowing that Jan would know his touch even if his mind was far away.

Sure enough, Jan looked up, his face bemused, and raised an eyebrow at Paulo. Paulo didn't change his expression, but Jan still got the message, and together they slipped down a different corridor, heading away from the canteen. When they were finally alone in an empty meeting room, Paulo took Jan in his arms. He didn't say anything at first, just held Jan tightly and listened to his faintly ragged breathing.

"How can I help you,  _ schatje?" _ he asked finally. "I hoped you would be feeling better today, but I see you are not."

Jan sighed. "I don't know," he admitted. "I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now."

"Did you sleep okay last night?"

"Not really," Jan mumbled against Paulo's shoulder. "Sophie wanted me to take a melatonin."

"Why didn't you?"

Jan just shrugged in response.

Paulo frowned into Jan's hair. "Well, you for sure need your sleep. Let Sophie know you'll be at my house tonight." His tone made it clear that he expected to be obeyed, and as usual, Jan responded to it instinctively.

"Yes, sir." Jan heaved another sigh then, and Paulo could feel him tremble in his arms. "I tried to talk to them both last night, after you'd left. Wanted to apologise…"

"And?" Paulo had a feeling he knew how that might have been received. Neither Dries nor Winks were really the type to conquer their emotions quickly.

"No answer, from either one."

Paulo nodded. "That's not surprising, my love," he said gently. "They need time to cool off."

Jan nodded absently. "I think I knew that. I just... had to try. Couldn't let them think I didn't want to apologise."

Paulo ran his fingers through Jan's hair affectionately. "That's good, but you know it's going to take more than an apology to fix this, yes?"

Another nod. "I just… it's hard to focus on how to fix it right now. I feel…" He fell silent for a moment. "I can't stop yelling at myself about it. In my head. It's kind of drowning out… well, much of anything else."

Paulo's arms tightened around him. "Oh, my love," he whispered. "You need to be punished, don't you." Jan made a choked sound and nodded again. "When we get to my house later I take care of this first. I should have realise last night that you would need to be punished. I'm sorry."

"Thank you, sir," Jan said, his voice still muffled by Paulo's shirt.

They stayed that way for the rest of the lunch hour, wrapped up in each other's arms, only separating when it was time to return to the pitch. They hadn't eaten, but ultimately that was far less important to Paulo than trying to help Jan. Skipping a meal wasn't ideal, but they both knew how to cope.

Unfortunately, it seemed that his success at helping Jan find any kind of equilibrium was minimal. Jan continued to move as though he had been replaced by a robot, though he was perhaps a little more alert than he had been. And Paulo slowly became aware that he had absorbed what little of Jan's stress that he had been able to alleviate. He just wasn't quite at his best, his reactions not quite as sharp as they might be otherwise, though it could have been worse. He was receiving extra attention from the staff these days, on and off the pitch; his sudden elevation to first choice keeper in Hugo's prolonged absence had changed more things for Paulo than he had expected. He had wanted this all his life, worked hard for it, but now that he had it… well, it was an adjustment, that was all. 

He tried to buckle down and keep his mind on his work, rather than on Jan and Harry, but it was a challenge. He could almost feel what Jan was feeling, could have found him on the pitch even in the middle of the night, just based on the need coming from Jan right now. 

Harry was harder for him to read, but it was abundantly clear how unhappy he was, and just as clear that Paulo was far from being the only one who noticed. He was attracting attention from a few of his friends as well, and at one point Paulo even saw one of the coaching staff pull Harry aside for a moment. The young man shrugged off the hand on his shoulder, though, and stubbornly went back to his drills, glaring down at the pitch as if it was responsible for his problems. Paulo frowned, seeing it, but could do little from where the goalkeepers were working.

But before too long the whistle blew and they were all pulled together and then divided up into groups for box work. Jan and Toby were together in one group, but Paulo was in a different one-- the same group as Harry, as it turned out. They were opposite each other at first, but as the game of one touch went on they each moved around the box, and when they finally ended up next to each other, Paulo seized his chance.

"You're being obvious," he said quietly during a brief lull, keeping his voice pitched low, for Harry's ears only.

A quick glare was his only answer, and Paulo had to fight down a surge of irritation. He was sympathetic to Harry, of course, but right now he had to do something before the entire club was wondering what had gotten Harry in such a foul mood.

"I promise, we'll fix this," he said softly the next time Harry was close enough to hear.

"What the hell do  _ you _ know about it?" Harry snapped, a little louder than he really should have. "Just leave me alone."

Paulo retreated, reminding himself that Harry had a right to be upset, even if Paulo wasn't the one responsible. Little wonder he was lashing out. To his relief he saw a couple of the others make similar attempts to talk to Harry and were rebuffed nearly as quickly.  _ At least I won't stand out as the only one he's being short with. _

He was still lost in thought as they were dismissed from the training pitch and sent back inside to shower, turning over possible courses of action he could take to try to resolve all of this-- or at least, to help Jan resolve it. Paulo had to remind himself more than once that ultimately this wasn't his mess to fix, as much as he loved Jan. He would help, of course, in any way he could, but the responsibility was Jan's, not his.

He sighed deeply, standing under the spray of hot water in the shower, trying to let the warmth soothe his tired muscles. It had already been a long day, and if he was going to punish Jan this evening then he would need to spend some time preparing himself for it on an emotional level.

"Paulo?" came a soft voice from the next shower cubicle.

"Yeah?"

"What's going on?" It was Juanito, speaking in Spanish, his voice quiet enough not to be overheard over the noise of the water.

"What do you mean?" Paulo had been nervous about the fact that Juan had found out about his relationship with Jan ever since it had happened. It wasn't that he didn't trust Juanito; he had just never been entirely certain what Juan thought of the whole thing. Still, Juanito  _ was _ pretty much his best friend, and it was in some ways a relief that he knew now.

But that didn't mean that Paulo didn't need to be careful. As far as he knew, Juan was not aware of Harry and Jan's involvement, which limited what Paulo could safely say.

"Why is Jan so upset?"

"It's… complicated, and I can't really get into it here," Paulo said apologetically. "I'm going to try to fix it, don't worry."

"I wouldn't usually ask, but…" Juan was silent for a moment. "Do you know why Harry is upset?"

Paulo's breath caught in his throat. "I don't know what you mean," he said, trying to make it sound natural.

"Come on," Juanito said in disgust. "Give me  _ some _ credit, Paulo. I have eyes, and so do you. I saw you try to talk to him, and he nearly bit your head off."

"I was just trying to help," Paulo said, his heart hammering in his chest.

"If you say so," Juan replied sarcastically. "But you have to admit, it's a little odd that he and Jan are so upset at the same time, isn't it? Makes me think maybe they're upset for the same reason, don't you agree?"

Paulo sighed. "I appreciate that you're concerned,  _ 'mano, _ I do. But I  _ can't _ tell you what you want to know."

"Why not? Anyone with eyes can tell  _ something's _ going on. Toby sees it too, you know." 

"Oh?" Anything else Paulo said would surely give away too much.

Juan gave an exasperated sigh. "Look, I don't care about your secrets, okay? I just… Harry's my friend, and I want to be sure he's okay."

"I'll do everything I can to make sure he is," Paulo promised.

Juanito was silent for a few minutes after that. When he spoke up again, he sounded weary.

"Okay, I guess. Just… I've got a feeling there's a lot more going on here than just what I can see. And if the situation is complicated, then it probably won't be simple to fix. That's all."

"You're telling me," Paulo muttered. Between Harry's resentment of him and Dries being so far away, Paulo was drawing a blank at what he could actually do to resolve things. There had to be  _ something _ that he could do to help.

He wasn't at all prepared for what happened when he returned to the dressing room, though. He was watching Jan out of the corner of one eye, feeling relieved to see him actually smile at one of Dier's stupid jokes, when the door opened and Toby came in from the hallway, half dressed, clutching his cell phone, his face a thundercloud. He strode over to Jan and grabbed his arm, pulling him off balance, away from Dier.

_ "Wat is er in godsnaam mis met je?" _ Toby demanded. Paulo had never heard him this angry before, least of all with Jan.

_ "Wat? Ik--" _ Jan stuttered, taken completely aback.

_ "Nee, je gaat zwijgen en naar me luisteren," _ Toby growled. _ "Wie niet horen wil moet voelen." _

_ "Niet hier," _ Jan hissed with a quick glance around. Toby did likewise and blushed guiltily. He met Paulo's gaze and flinched slightly, but he immediately looked away and practically dragged Jan back out into the hallway with him, where they could be heard continuing to shout at each other in Dutch.

It took all of Paulo's self-control to quell the anger that was rising in him. It wasn't like Toby to ignore him so blatantly. Was he really that upset about what had happened yesterday? Paulo hadn't even known he was aware of it. Regardless, Paulo filed it away in his mind to be addressed later. It wasn't quite as bad as disobeying an actual order, but carrying on a clandestine Dom/sub relationship required them to be tuned in to each other's nonverbal cues to a greater extent than normal. Under ordinary circumstances, Toby would have read the warning in Paulo's face and backed off accordingly.

Paulo suddenly caught sight of Juanito watching him from across the room, and he had to take a deep breath to steady himself. Juan lifted his eyebrows at him, as if to say,  _ you see? _

Paulo looked away from him without acknowledging the unspoken question at all and tried to pick out any of the conversation from the hallway that he could. It was in Dutch, which did make it considerably harder, but the raised voices helped make up for the fact that they weren't in the room. He was just glad that there were no other Dutch speakers in the room at the moment.

Still, there wasn't much that he was able to pick out. He thought he heard Dries's name, and Harry's, but it was hard to be sure. All he could say for certain was that Toby was upset with Jan, moreso than Paulo had thought he could be.

He startled a bit when the door opened and a few more of the lads came through from the showers. Harry was among them, his eyes red, as if he had let himself have a bit of a cry in the shower. Paulo fought not to let the surge of sympathy that flooded through him show on his face, trying to keep his eyes on what he was doing.

Then Toby's voice from outside rose suddenly to a shout. "Okay,  _ dat is nog iets waar we over moeten praten," _ he roared, and Harry flinched as if he had been struck, sitting down hard on a bench, his eyes wide.

Paulo almost got up from his own bench to go to him, forgetting discretion, forgetting that Harry surely wouldn't welcome any comfort from him, but before he could move, Juanito had dropped onto the bench next to Harry and was talking to him quietly, shoulder to shoulder with him. Harry's head was down, he was staring at the floor, but then Juan put an arm around his shoulders, and Harry turned his face to look at him, and then he actually gave Juan a half smile.

Paulo relaxed marginally, turning his attention back to the voices from the hallway, though now they had all but gone silent. He tried, but couldn't make out anything further. He sat for a moment, thinking, then pulled out his phone.

_ <<To: Toby A [17:24]: my house tonight _

Toby came back in the room a few minutes later, his face red and his brows still drawn together, his irritation plain to see. He didn't check his phone, though, instead grabbing his wash bag and storming off to the showers without meeting anyone's eyes.

Jan came back into the room shortly after, seeming subdued. He just shrugged when Dier asked him what Toby had shouted at him about, dressed quickly, and was nearly to the door when he paused, glancing around the room, his eyes lingering briefly on Harry. Winks was steadfastly ignoring him, though, still in quiet conversation with Juanito, and Jan didn't try to get his attention, simply slipped out the door without another word to anyone.

_ Juanito's right. Definitely not going to be simple to fix. _

  
  


***

  
  


Paulo slumped back against the door with a sigh, letting his weight push it closed behind him. He had spent as much of the drive home as he could trying to get himself into the mindset he needed to be what Jan would need him to be tonight, but as with his efforts to ease Jan's turmoil earlier, he had had limited success. He could punish Jan, to be sure, could spank him or flog him to his heart's content, but that alone wouldn't actually fix anything, except that it might give Jan the peace he needed to set things right himself.

_ There has to be something else I can do, _ he thought as he took off his shoes and made his way slowly through the house. He kissed Patricia lightly on the forehead where she sat on the couch, so lost in thought that he completely missed her speaking to him.

He blinked. "What?"

She smiled in amusement. "I said, they're waiting for you."

"Both of them?"

"Yes."

_ Good. _ "Thanks, babe." 

She reached up and seized his shirt, pulling him down for a more serious kiss. "Have fun," she whispered when she finally let him up for air.

Paulo sighed. "Not sure how fun this will be. You might want to use your earbuds."

One of her eyebrows shot up. "That bad?"

"Maybe." He kissed her again, then straightened and turned to head for the bedroom, squaring his shoulders.

"Good luck," she said softly.

When Paulo opened the door of his bedroom, everything looked much as it ever did in these circumstances, when both of them would be here waiting for him-- lights dimmed, the flicker of candlelight on the wall, the soft music playing, scarcely loud enough to be heard at all. 

Jan and Toby were in much the same position as ever, too-- kneeling in the centre of the room, naked but for their collars. But almost nothing else was the same. Instead of the air being thick with love and desire, with barely restrained eagerness, it was tense, strained, chillier. The suppressed smiles were missing from his boys' faces, and their postures were all wrong. Normally Jan would hold himself straight and tall, almost proud, ready and willing for anything Paulo might ask of him. But today his shoulders were sagging just that little bit more, his head hung a fraction lower, and his anguish was clearly stamped on his face.

Toby, on the other hand, was more shy, still clinging to a faint disbelief that he was really as beautiful as Paulo said, still instinctively wanting to hide from their eyes, and ordinarily it would show plainly on his face, in his body. He would almost shrink in on himself, keep his gaze firmly fixed almost straight down at the floor, his body language practically begging for Paulo not to look at him.

But Toby's anger had carried over, stayed with him, and it showed. His shoulders were back, his chin out, his jaw set, and though his eyes were lowered appropriately, Paulo could still see the unaccustomed fire in them. If Paulo hadn't known better, he would have thought Toby was spoiling for a fight. His mind conjured the image of Toby grabbing Jan's arm, though, dragging him out of the dressing room, his voice echoing in the corridor, and his stomach twisted with uneasiness.

Paulo stood before them, silently considering them, for a few minutes. Finally he sighed. "Would either of you like to say anything before we begin?"

They shifted on their knees, almost squirming under his gaze. Toby stayed resolutely silent, but Jan spoke up, his voice hardly more than a whisper.

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to cause so much trouble."

"I know,  _ schatje,"  _ Paulo said as gently as he could. "But being sorry is not enough, yes? We need to fix this."

Jan let out a long sigh. "Yes, sir."

"First, though, we need to punish you for this, yes?"

Jan nodded eagerly, trembling slightly. Next to him, Toby shifted uneasily, his brow furrowing.

"You have something to say?" Paulo said sharply, turning his glower on Toby.

"No, sir," Toby muttered, scowling.

"Good," Paulo shot back, letting some of the anger that was bubbling just underneath the surface bleed through to his voice. "You will be next, I promise you."

Toby opened his mouth as if to protest, but he quickly subsided, frowning.

Paulo ignored him, taking a deep breath, and bent down to raise Jan to his feet, kissing him hungrily. When he broke free, he whispered, "Close your eyes." Jan obeyed, and Paulo turned away, leaving him standing in the centre of the bedroom.

Paulo rummaged through his drawer of toys until he found what he wanted, then went back to where Jan stood waiting, naked and erect, his collar gleaming around his pale throat.

He slipped the soft leather cuffs over each of Jan's wrists in turn, then clipped them both to one end of the chain he had grabbed from the drawer-- not an overly thick or unwieldy one, but plenty strong enough for his purposes. Then he stood on tiptoe and stretched over his head, pulling the chain taut as he did, bringing Jan's arms straight up above him, and secured a loop of the chain to the heavy duty hook that was embedded in his bedroom ceiling.

He stepped back to survey his work and nodded in satisfaction. Jan was effectively bound where he stood, his arms pulled up above his head-- not tightly enough to hurt him, but enough to keep him where he was until Paulo was finished with him.

Paulo stepped close to him, listening to his quick, shaky breathing, and whispered in his ear, murmuring softly, reassuringly, in direct contrast to the sharp impact of his hand on Jan's buttock an instant later.

Jan moaned, his head sagging between his arms. "Yes," he breathed. "Yes, sir."

"My good boy," Paulo said lovingly, then went once more to his stockpile of toys to choose the right tool for punishing Jan tonight.

He considered for some time, passing over whips, floggers, and paddles, each leaving him vaguely dissatisfied. Finally his eye fell on a long, thin case at the back of the drawer, and a wicked smile spread across his face as he reached for it.

He opened the case carefully, baring his teeth in a feral grin as he took out the implement that lay within. He circled slowly back around to stand before his boys, Jan standing and bound, Toby still on his knees just beside.

"Eyes up."

Both obeyed instantly. Jan flushed when he saw what Paulo was holding, his cock twitching slightly. Toby's eyes widened slightly, and he bit his lip.

"You recognise this, yes?" Paulo ran his fingers lovingly up the long, slim shaft of the crop, hooked them through the smooth leather loop at the end, pulling it taut.

"Yes, sir," Toby mumbled, even as Jan shook his head.

"Tell Jan what this is."

"It's a riding crop," Toby said quietly. "The kind equestrians use."

"And where did I get this one?"

"From Shani."

Now Jan's eyes widened as well, and Paulo smiled. "Yes. As a gift, to thank me for everything I have done for you, yes?"

"Yes, sir," Toby mumbled guiltily, dropping his eyes to the floor.

"Watch close,  _ liefje," _ Paulo rumbled, circling behind Jan again. Toby shuffled around on his knees until he was in a position that gave him a clear view of the proceedings.

Paulo stroked Jan's back with the soft leather of the crop, making him squirm slightly. "Are you ready, my Jan?"

"Yes, sir," he breathed.  _ "Please." _

"Tell me why I have to punish you."

Jan took a deep breath. "I… I hurt Harry and Dries," he whispered, his head dropping forward in shame.

"What did you do?"

"I didn't tell them about each other, and then they found out in probably the worst possible way."

"Why did this hurt them?"

"Harry… thinks I'm embarrassed of him, that I didn't tell Dries about him because I'm ashamed of being with him," Jan said, swallowing hard. "Dries thinks I don't ever think of him unless I want to get off."

"Is this true?"

"No, sir."

"Then why didn't you tell them about each other?"

"I… I forgot," Jan muttered, blushing.

Paulo's arm moved, quick as a striking snake, flicking the loop against the skin of Jan's back in a series of short, sharp impacts, making Jan whimper in pain. "Don't lie."

"I… I don't know," Jan tried next, but he quickly cried out when the crop connected again.

"Yes, you do."

"I… I didn't really think about it," Jan said finally. "I didn't stop to think about how not telling them would make them feel. I was thoughtless."

"Yes, you were. And this is why I punish you. You were careless with their hearts. Harry, especially-- if you are going to be his Dom, then you take responsibility of taking care of him, yes? You are responsible to think about his needs as much as your own. And Dries, well… he is not yours, but he love you. He love you for years, and he deserve much better than for you to be so careless with his feelings."

"Y-yes, sir."

Paulo nodded, satisfied, and proceeded to lay down the leather of the crop all across Jan's back and buttocks until they glowed red in the dim light. Jan's cries were an exquisite mix of agony and ecstasy, and by the time he was finished Paulo's whole body was alive with arousal.

When at last he lowered the crop, Jan's head was hanging between his raised arms, tears streaming down his cheeks. Paulo stood back and listened to his quiet sobs for a minute, then stepped close to him, curling an arm around Jan's waist to grip his cock lightly, relishing the way it throbbed in his hand.

"How do you feel?" Paulo breathed in Jan's ear.

Jan took several deep, shuddering breaths. "Not exactly better, sir, but… I feel like I can be."

Paulo nodded. "You won't really feel better until you make this right," he said gently. "But hopefully now you will be able to. Yes?"

"Yes, sir," Jan whispered gratefully.  _ "Te amo, señor." _

_ "Ik hou ook van je, schatje," _ Paulo whispered back. He gave Jan's cock one more gentle squeeze, then stepped away from him, moving to face Toby.

Toby's eyes were respectfully lowered, and Paulo took a good, long look at him, tapping the crop sharply against his leg as he considered him. Toby's gaze tracked the motion of the crop, and Paulo saw his throat working as the seconds ticked by.

Finally he spoke. "Would you like to say anything?"

Toby cleared his throat, then licked his lips. "I… I'm sorry if I made you angry, I--"

"Do you understand why I'm angry with you?"

"I think so, but sir, if I can just explain…"

"Go ahead."

Toby sucked in a breath, let it out slowly. "First Harry came to me, asked me about Dries, wanted me to translate something Jan said, and he was so upset… then Dries called me, and he was crying, sir, and it just… I know how it feels, and I…" Toby's voice was shaking, and what little Paulo could see of his beautiful blue eyes was unnaturally bright.

"Toby." Paulo cut him off with a gentle hand on his head. "I see how upset you are. You have such a big heart,  _ mi cielito,  _ you feel others' hurts as if they are your own. I don't blame you for this at all. This is not why I'm upset with you."

"It's not?" Toby looked up, startled, and met Paulo's eyes for an instant before he remembered to lower them again.

"No,  _ liefje. _ I'm angry because you ignore me. You were indiscreet. The whole team probably know by now that you drag Jan out to the corridor to yell at him, and wondering why. I try to signal you to back off, I want you to wait until you are alone, but you act like you don't see me." By the end of the sentence Paulo's eyes were full of fire, his voice sharp, the crop slapping hard against his leg.

Toby's shoulders slumped, whatever defiance he had been clinging to draining out of him. "I'm sorry, sir," he mumbled, earning himself a sharp tap with the riding crop on his hip.

"Did I give you permission to speak?"

Toby shook his head, eyes wide.

"Do you understand how serious this is? You risk us all by drawing attention to our private lives. I understand being carried away by your feelings, but if you want to continue with me then you  _ have _ to learn to control yourself in public, is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," Toby whispered.

"Stand."

Toby lumbered to his feet, looking slightly puzzled, until Paulo turned back to Jan and unhooked the chain keeping his arms stretched overhead. He undid the cuffs and kissed Jan gently, then moved him away from where he had stood and motioned for him to kneel. Then he took Toby by the arm and pulled him into the spot Jan had just vacated, tightened the cuffs over his wrists, and fastened the chain back onto the ceiling, leaving Toby now bound in place, held prisoner by his raised arms.

_ "Schatje, _ I want you to watch carefully," he said to Jan. "This is another consequence of your thoughtlessness, and I want you to pay close attention, yes?"

"Yes, sir."

With that Paulo took up his place behind Toby and raised the crop once more.

It both was and was not the same punishment he had given Jan. He flicked his arm again and again in small, controlled motions, ensuring that the crop struck Toby's skin with the exact amount of force Paulo desired and not a bit more, covering the broad, muscular expanse of Toby's back as well as the firm flesh of his ass with carefully measured strokes. But Paulo was fighting against his anger now, trying to keep it from taking over, making him lose control and hit Toby too hard. It was not easy. He had to compromise with the dark voice inside him, the one that was screaming for blood, and used a heavier touch on Toby than he had on Jan, but even so he forced himself to remain within safe limits.

There was more agony and less ecstasy in Toby's cries than there had been in Jan's, but Paulo's seldom-indulged sadistic side was in control now, and each cry he drew from Toby's lips only increased his excitement. Finally he couldn't stand it any longer. He turned abruptly away from Toby, carelessly dropping the crop, and grabbed what he needed from his nightstand. Then he was back on Toby, lubed fingers pushing inside him with no warning, stretching him open with an urgency Paulo rarely let show.

He worked faster than normal, unable to make himself take his time as he usually did. His customary focus on Toby's comfort was abandoned, consumed by need and anger. He leaned in close when he slipped his fingers back out, his lips brushing against Toby's ear, fighting to suppress the urge to sink his teeth into the delicate shell.

"Colour?" he growled.

"Green," Toby whispered, trembling.

That was all Paulo could bear to wait for. In seconds he had his cock out, covered with a condom and plenty of lube, and he was spreading Toby's legs, pushing into him with a roughness he had never let himself display with either of his boys before.

Toby gave a wail as Paulo's fingers dug into the reddened, sensitive flesh of his buttocks, grabbing onto him, holding him steady while Paulo drove hard into him, burying himself to the hilt on the first thrust. "Paulo," he gasped, squirming against him. "Fuck, yes…"

"You like this? Like it rough?" Paulo snarled.

"Yes…" Toby winced as Paulo thrust into him again, hard enough to push him off balance, but Paulo's iron grip on his hips and the support of the chain holding his arms fast kept him in place. "Need it. Need you. Please."

Paulo groaned and dropped his head onto Toby's shoulder, sinking his teeth into the thick muscle there, making Toby cry out again. He fucked Toby almost brutally hard, pulling on his hips, slamming against him and savouring each whimper he forced from Toby.

A shaky gasp caught Paulo's attention, and he lifted his head to look over Toby's shoulder, down at Jan, still kneeling in front of them, his dick standing at full attention, flushed and dripping. His eyes were hungry, his lip caught between his teeth.

"Yes?" Paulo got out. It was a struggle for him to think clearly at the moment, let alone speak.

"Sir… can I suck him? Please? It's my fault he got into trouble, I want to make up for it, please sir…"

_ "Sí," _ Paulo rasped, not slowing his pace at all.

Jan shuffled forward just a bit, reaching for Toby's dick, which was bobbing wildly as Paulo fucked him. When Jan's hand closed around it Toby moaned, his head tipping backwards towards Paulo. With a growl, Paulo hungrily attacked his shoulder, kissing and dragging his teeth over the skin, sucking vicious bruises into it. His skin tasted like sweat and fear and need.

Jan guided Toby into his mouth with a soft moan of his own, then settled his hands at Toby's hips, trying to get enough of a grip to have some control. His hands met Paulo's, covered them, squeezing tight. Together they clutched at Toby, pushing and pulling him back and forth between them.

The angle wasn't quite right for Paulo to see much of what Jan was doing, but the way Toby's squirming against him changed told him everything he needed to know. He was trying to be an active participant in his own unravelling, trying to rock back against Paulo and thrust forward down Jan's throat, but with both of them holding him tight there wasn't much he could do.

His whimpers of pain had changed, too, mostly replaced now by drawn-out moans that rose and fell through his entire vocal range, interspersed with the occasional gasp of their names and the word 'please' in several different languages. He lifted his head from Paulo's shoulder to look down at Jan, and Paulo could feel his muscles contracting, could hear his breath coming quicker and quicker, and he knew Toby was hovering on the edge.

"You going to come?" Paulo gritted out. "Give Jan what he want?" Toby was clenching tightly around him, making Paulo groan and thrust into him faster than ever. He could feel his own climax building inside him, swelling inside him, threatening to consume him.

_ "No," _ Toby growled, and to Paulo's surprise, he bucked his hips, hard enough to knock Jan off balance, letting Toby's cock slip out of his mouth as he fell back onto his butt and gaped up in them in astonishment. At the same moment, Toby groaned, a deep, guttural roar that rumbled through his entire body, making Paulo shudder against him, and then Toby was coming, his body jerking against Paulo, streams of cum erupting from his cock to splatter all over Jan where he had fallen. 

Jan, for his part, responded with a long moan of his own, his head fell back, and he came as well, his cum mixing with Toby's as it spurted from his dick across his stomach and chest. "Toby," he whimpered, closing his eyes. "Toby."

Paulo was beyond words now, and he finally eased his iron grip on Toby's hips, slipping his arms around Toby's waist in a clumsy hug, his hips stuttering a final few times before he buried his face against the back of Toby's collar and came inside him with a groan.

He came down with a sigh, unwrapping himself from around Toby and freeing him from the cuffs, then told Toby to lie face down on the bed and wait for him. Once Toby obeyed, moving to the bed on unsteady legs, he turned to look at Jan.

Jan had collapsed onto the floor, his hands over his face and chest heaving, covered in streaks of cum that glistened faintly in the dim light. When Paulo went to him and touched his arm, Jan moved his hands to show Paulo a tear-streaked face, his blue eyes full of pain that had little to do with the punishment he had endured.

"My love," Paulo said gently.  _ "Ben je oké?" _

Jan shrugged, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

"Come here," Paulo whispered tenderly, helping him up. He considered having Jan lie down as well, but between the mess on his front and the abuse his back side had taken, that didn't seem feasible. Instead Paulo led him to the bathroom, cleaning him off with care, applying aloe to his red, sensitive flesh. When he was finished he took Jan's face in his hands and kissed him softly. "It's going to be okay," he whispered.

Jan tried to speak, swallowed several times, and gave up, shaking his head as fresh tears appeared in his eyes. Paulo made a shushing noise and brushed his fingers across Jan's lips, then wiped away a tear with the back of one of his knuckles.

"Come," Paulo said, and led Jan by the hand back out to the bedroom, the bottle of aloe clutched in his free hand. He had Jan lie down on the bed, leaving a sizeable gap between him and Toby. Then he went around to the other side of the bed and crouched down next to Toby's face, brushing blond hair back from his sweaty forehead.

"Toby," Paulo whispered, and waited until Toby had opened his eyes before leaning in for a kiss. "How do you feel?"

Toby huffed out a sigh. "Still kind of angry," he admitted. "I've never felt quite like this before. Don't really know what to do."

Paulo hummed thoughtfully to himself as he began applying aloe to Toby's skin, as he had with Jan, using the time it took to think about how he wanted to approach this. He had never seen a breach like this open up between his boys before.

When at last he had finished tending to Toby's tender skin, he retrieved his phone from where he had propped it up on his bureau and installed himself between them, sitting up with his back against the headboard, legs stretched out between them. Jan immediately snuggled close to him, lifting his head to rest it on Paulo's thigh. Paulo smiled softly and began to stroke his hair with one hand and Toby's with the other.

_ "Mis queridos," _ he said finally. "How can I help you?"

The silence stretched out between them for one minute, then another, and another. Finally Paulo sighed. "I start, then, I guess. Why do you still cry,  _ schatje?" _

"I…" Jan hiccoughed, swallowed, tried again. "It feels like Toby hates me," he whispered.

"Toby?" Paulo said gently.

Toby let out a deep sigh, keeping his face turned away from Paulo and Jan both. "Of course I don't hate you," he said, his voice somewhat muffled where his face was pressed into the duvet. "I just… I guess all of this kind of brought up some feelings I'd thought were long gone, is all."

"About Jan?"

"Kind of…" Toby broke off and took a deep breath. "It's just complicated where Dries is concerned, yeah? I've been where Harry is, kind of."

"How so?"

Another deep breath. "Being blindsided, I mean. About Dries. I just…" He fell silent again for a minute, and Paulo heard him swallow.

Jan spoke up hesitantly. "You mean a few months ago, when we first started dating? But I… I told you about Dries then, didn't I?"

Paulo felt Toby flinch against him. "You did," he mumbled.

"Then when…?"

Toby was quiet for long enough that Paulo had to nudge him. "Toby?"

"Years ago," he said, his voice scarcely audible. "Last Euros."

Jan went still against Paulo, his entire body suddenly tense. "You… then…?"

"I saw you together," Toby mumbled. "In the pool."

"Shit," Jan breathed into Paulo's thigh. "I didn't realize."

"I know," Toby said quietly. "I didn't want you to."

"But that was after we…?"

"Yeah." Toby sighed. "And, well, you know I've… I've had…" He was the one crying now, his voice quivering as if it would break, and Paulo could feel him trembling. He stroked Toby's cheek, wiping away the tears he could find.

"Had what?" Jan whispered.

"F-feelings for you," Toby choked. "For so long, I c-can't… I cried myself to sleep that night, and I…"

"Oh, Tobes." Jan tentatively reached across Paulo's legs, rested his hand on Toby's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you…"

"I know," Toby whispered. "And I swear, I've made peace with the idea of you and Dries now, or at least I thought I had. But hearing Harry ask about him, seeing his face when I translated  _ ik hou van je _ for him… and then Dries called, and he was crying, and I… I…" Toby couldn't finish. He buried his face in Paulo's duvet and cried, his shoulders shaking.

Paulo pulled Toby up into his arms, kissing his tears away, lips gentle on his forehead, cheeks, and lips. He didn't say anything, just let Toby get it out, listening to him cry as he held him close. He saw Jan watching them from where his head was still pillowed against Paulo's leg, his eyes sad.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What will you do to make it right?" Paulo asked softly, his eyes boring into Jan's as he stroked Toby's hair.

Jan was silent for a moment, then he shifted on the bed, scooting further up, reaching for Toby again. He touched Toby's hair hesitantly, threading soft blond strands through his fingers. "Tobes…"

Toby finally turned his head to look at Jan, but he didn't say anything.

Jan rested his hand on Toby's cheek, biting his lip. "I'm so sorry if I… if I ever made you feel like I didn't want you," he whispered. "I never realised how you felt, though I guess I probably should have. And I'm sorry that me being an idiot with Harry and Dries ended up hurting you, too. What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Jan," Paulo said sternly. "Is not his job to figure that out for you, is it?"

Jan blushed. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"It's okay," Toby whispered. "Just… talk to them.  _ Please. _ If they're going to be in your life too, then they ought to have the whole picture, yeah? No more surprises. No more secrets." He smiled briefly. "At least not about this."

Jan giggled suddenly, startling Paulo, who looked down at him with one eyebrow arched. "Sorry. Just thinking about secrets made me remember some of  _ our _ secrets." He looked back at Toby, smiling fondly. "Y'know, I think I've known you longer than any of the others. Even Sophie. There's so much that you and I have been through together, things that are just  _ ours." _ He flashed Toby a cheeky grin. "Like some of the pranks we used to get away with, you remember?"

Toby actually laughed at that. "I remember you were always the one coming up with ideas for new ways to get into trouble," he said dryly. "And they always suspected me first, for some reason."

"You always looked too innocent, was the problem," Jan said, grinning. "All big blue eyes and angelic smile."

"What kind of pranks?" Paulo interjected, afire with sudden curiosity, realising how little he knew about what they had been like as teenagers, as children.

"Ah, that would be telling," Jan said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Some things should stay secrets."

They all laughed at that, though Paulo had to suppress a twinge of something like jealousy at the reminder of how much history there was between them that he could never share.

When they subsided, Jan looked thoughtfully back at Toby. "I know I was pretty oblivious back then when it came to you, but… well, I just hope you know now how important you are to me. How important you've always been to me."

Toby was the one blushing now. "Likewise," he murmured, a soft smile blooming on his face.

"And the last thing I want is to lose you because I fucked up so bad," Jan finished, his voice wobbling in a way that made Paulo want to wrap him up in his arms and hold him close forever.

Toby shook his head. "Of course not. I still…" He paused, just for a fraction of a second, before he finished with, "...want to be with you. Even when you fuck up." Paulo couldn't be certain, but something about the way his breath hitched in that miniscule pause made Paulo suspect that what had nearly come out was  _ I still love you. _

Jan didn't seem to have noticed, though. "I'm glad," he said softly. "Can I kiss you?"

Toby answered him by leaning a little further across Paulo's lap, tilting his head, and Jan met him eagerly in the middle. Paulo smiled fondly down at them, watching them kiss. It was a long, sweet kiss, and when they finally broke apart, they were both glowing with happiness again.

"There's my good boys," Paulo said tenderly, glad that this wound, at least, seemed to be healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can read about what happened at the 2016 Euros in the flashback piece [I'll Continue to Continue to Pretend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25511704/chapters/61894285).


	4. Dries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. This is a monster megalith behemoth of a chapter, easily the longest single chapter we've ever done. Ayerlind and I each wrote different parts-- in effect we each wrote an entire chapter's worth and then combined them, and this ridiculously long chapter is the result. Enjoy! <3

Dries scowled down at his phone, wishing that he could take out his foul mood on it, but it wouldn't really help much of anything to smash his phone on the dressing room floor. 

Talking to Toby hadn't really helped much, either. He was a little calmer now, maybe, but if anything, the more he found out about this guy Jan had apparently been fucking for months now, the more irate he felt. But then he would think about Jan again, think of how much he loved him, and the anger would fade away into sadness.

He squeezed his phone in a tight enough grip that it actually hurt his hand, then opened his texts and forced himself to breathe. 

_ << To: Kat [17:16]: fuck my day, I need the biggest hug ever and I wish you were here to give it to me _  
_ << To: Kat [17:16]: You KNOW how hard it is to make me jealous _  
_ << To: Kat [17:16]: Well I found out last night Jan has an adorable little twinky boyfriend(???) he never told me about _  
_ << To: Kat [17:16]: I don’t mean he just met somebody, I mean the guy clearly isn’t new by how pissed he got about me... and Jan specifically didn’t tell me _  
_ << To: Kat [17:16]: Toby knows _  
_ << To: Kat [17:17]: Paulo knows _  
_ << To: Kat [17:17]: Sophie knows _  
_ << To: Kat [17:17]: But he didn't bother to tell me _  
_ << To: Kat [17:17]: Apparently HE’S special enough to Jan that Paulo didn’t make him jump through hoops to be able to have sex _  
_ << To: Kat [17:17]: I hung up on him and couldn't handle answering when he tried to call back _  
_ << To: Kat [17:18]: He didn’t try again today so I talked to Toby hoping it would make me feel better and I think it made me feel worse _  
_ << To: Kat [17:18]: Training has been over for like an hour and I can’t fucking pull myself together enough to even leave _  
_ << To: Kat [17:18]: Fuck _  
_ << To: Kat [17:18]: Fuck fuck fuck _  
_ << To: Kat [17:19]: What’s your schedule tomorrow and how much of it can be done remotely so that you can be on a plane within like half an hour of getting these texts? _

Dries waited so long for a response that he lost track of time, just staring at his screen until it went to sleep three or four times over, waiting for those three little dots to show up and give him a sense of comfort, of being heard. It had been excruciating; all day, he had been on autopilot. He hugged his friends, he laughed with Tommaso, he stretched and sprinted and played, but none of it was sinking in. When the joke was over, when the coffee was poured, when the whistle blew, it all went away, and he was left caught somewhere between feeling pissed and just feeling... hollow. Wondering how he ended up with an angry, jagged hole in his heart where Jan should be. 

He had a well-practised “public” face, and he had plenty of experience being boisterous enough to hide what was really going on. No one had said anything, which he considered a success, but by the sidelong looks he’d caught throughout the day, he knew that even if no one else had noticed, there was one person who definitely had. He could never get away with anything when it came to Lorenzo. He’d hoped, to be honest, that Lore would be waiting for him here, waiting for a chance to comfort him; the fact that he wasn’t just made Dries feel worse. 

He was so lost inside himself that he barely heard anything going on around him, and when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind, he nearly leapt out of his skin. “Fuck!”

His ‘attacker’ let go abruptly. “Sorry!” he yelped, and there was only one person who was that tall, that cuddly, and who put that soft Spanish ‘th’ sound into the word _dispiace_. Well, two now, technically, but if Fernando were the one draping himself across his shoulders, Dries' legs would be threatening to give way under the weight of that gentle giant.

“Fabi,” Dries admonished, half a grumble and half a weak laugh. He glared over his shoulder and elbowed his friend halfheartedly in the ribs, but Fabián simply draped himself back over Dries’ much smaller frame, squeezing him tighter. 

“I said your name twice,” Fabi said in his defence. “Where are you?”

Dries scrubbed his hands over his face, hoping that any evidence of his tearful conversation from earlier had been properly erased by now, and that his listlessness could be chalked up to how fully he’d thrown himself into training, pushing himself until he was pouring sweat and his lungs were just about ready to give out. At least if he couldn’t catch his breath, he couldn’t let it out in the scream that was trapped somewhere under the surface of him.

Dries sagged back against Fabián. “Go away,” he mumbled, but he reached up to grip Fabián by the arms, holding them fast around him, ensuring that he did no such thing.

Fabi did manage to dislodge his arms, but it was only to turn Dries around in them. He tipped his head down and Dries looked up at him; he didn’t really plan on showing his whole hand, but his pain must have been written more clearly on his face than he’d thought, because he’d only just met Fabián’s dark, deep-set eyes with his own when Fabián’s face fell sympathetically. 

“Hey, little brother,” he murmured. It was a running joke between them, Dries being nearly ten years older, yet nearly twenty centimetres shorter. The tenderness in his voice made some kind of a distressed noise come out of Dries, and Fabi responded with a soft and sympathetic one, then pulled Dries against his chest in a regular hug. 

Dries wrapped his arms around Fabián’s waist and gratefully pressed his face into Fabián’s warm chest with a sigh. He didn’t say anything just yet, and neither did Fabián ask right away - they just stood there hugging while the two or three other stragglers went about their own business, paying such normal behaviour no mind whatsoever. 

“What’s the matter?” asked Fabián softly against his hair. 

Dries wasn’t ready to answer quite yet. He didn’t know _how_ to answer. 

When the real explanation got stuck in his throat, he tried to work around it but gave up after several trying seconds. He pulled away far enough to glance around, making sure no one was within hearing distance. When he saw that it was safe, he went up on tip-toe to hug Fabi around the neck instead, so that he could drop his voice even further. “Boy trouble,” he whispered dejectedly.

Fabi knew about him; he’d actually figured it out fairly soon after joining. It had started with Dries wanting to have a dinner for the new additions once they’d all settled in. Afterward, Fabián had come up with reason after reason to stay until after even Lore had left, and then he’d sat down heavily on the couch beside Dries, looked carefully at him, and asked in a soft, heavily accented, and very shaky whisper, “Can I ask a question... about you and Lorenzo?”

Dries raised an eyebrow at him; that was something of an ominous opener. "Sure, go ahead."

Fabi had taken his time. Dries could see him struggling with it, chewing on his lip. He looked like whatever the question was, it was on the verge of spilling over, but Fabián seemed almost frightened to let it.

"Hey," Dries said lightly, nudging him with one shoulder. "It's okay, I promise. I won't be mad, whatever it is."

"Are you… together?" Fabi blurted out, then promptly looked appalled with himself.

Dries's other eyebrow shot up to join the first one. It was rare that someone spotted it so quickly, though a number of their teammates had figured it out eventually. "What makes you think that?" he said carefully.

"I don't really know," Fabi had admitted to him. "Just… something about the way you look at each other, maybe." He was blushing furiously. "I'm sorry, I'm probably just imagining things."

"What if you're not? What then?" Dries was watching him closely now. He had a feeling there was more to this than simple curiosity. "Would that be a problem for you?"

"N-no," Fabi said quickly. "Not exactly."

"Then why do you want to know?"

Fabián had regarded him for several seconds, then looked down at his lap. “I haven’t told anyone,” he finally whispered. “I didn’t know I ever _could.”_

That had been over a year ago. Since then, Dries and Fabi had become extremely close friends, helping each other through various inadvisable crushes and bonding over a vast universe of other interests and views that they discovered they shared in the hundreds of conversations that had followed that one. Fabián had eventually told his girlfriend that he was bi, but honestly, nothing changed much. They were as happy as ever. Fabián was perfectly content without changing the parameters of their relationship; he didn’t want to _pursue_ any men, he simply finally came around to recognising that he was attracted to them. 

In the present, Fabi narrowed his eyes. “Did Lore do something?” he asked sternly.

Dries shook his head quickly. This, for once, was a problem that had absolutely nothing to do with Lorenzo. On the contrary, Lore was probably the only one who could make him feel anywhere close to normal right now. “No, I promise. I haven’t even gotten to talk to him since this happened. I want to, but...” He gestured around the almost empty changing room with arms that felt heavier than they should. “Fuck, I’m tired.” 

“You should go home,” Fabi said, his voice gentle. He kissed Dries’ hair, then sat on the bench to pull on the trainers that until then had been dangling from his hand. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” sighed Dries. As much as he wanted to just hide, have a relaxing movie-and-sushi night with Fabián, he wanted-- he _needed_ \-- to be free if Jan did try to call again. “But I do want to go home. Maybe take the world’s longest, hottest bath and watch something painfully wholesome on Netflix.” He smiled down at Fabián, then sat on his lap just long enough to give him a massive hug. “I’ll text you. I’ll explain eventually, I promise.” 

“You’d better. I’m worried about you.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too, little brother. Please send me picture proof that your dinner consists of more than just wine tonight.”

Dries stuck his tongue out, but he did appreciate it somewhere underneath the turmoil. “I promise.” 

Dries quickly gathered his things and shoved his phone into his pocket. He’d try to reach Lore once he got to the car - although that was only a courtesy, really, since he had every intention of driving straight over to his house. Either he’d find him, or he’d wait for him to come home from wherever he was; one way or the other, Dries needed him _desperately._ Just as he was about to reach his car, though, he heard footsteps hurrying up behind him. He turned around, and his jaw dropped when he saw that it was actually Lorenzo on the approach.

“Lore--”

“Where have you been?” Lore demanded. When he caught up to Dries, he didn’t hesitate before wrapping him in a great big embrace, arms flung around Dries’ neck, kissing his cheek several times. “I’ve been sitting on that bench for over an hour.”

“What?” Dries blinked slowly at him, then glanced over at the set of benches near the door he’d just walked through. “Why?”

“Idiot, because you’re obviously not okay. You think I didn’t notice you seemed miserable all day?”

“Can we talk about this at home? Yours or mine, I’m not picky.”

“Wait, tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s not really a ‘car park’ type of conversation, Lore.”

“But I can’t help you unless I know what happened.”

“Well, I didn’t actually _ask_ you to help me,” Dries snapped. He felt like shit as soon as it was out, but Lorenzo only shrugged. 

“I know,” he said dismissively, waving Dries’ words away. “Love, look, you can tell me. No one’s here--”

“I said no. Not here.” Dries was feeling stubborn now. He probably had nothing to worry about - Lorenzo was right, they were the only ones in the entire car park - but he was committed now. 

Unfortunately, so was Lore. “At least tell me who you talked to after training that upset you so much, then. I saw that, too.”

“Lore!”

“My heart.” His voice strained, Lorenzo caught Dries by the arms, sliding his grip down to squeeze both of Dries’ hands in his own. Dries looked down at their hands until Lorenzo let go, then looked back up into his eyes. His partner looked so worried, his expression open and loving and cautious, his beautiful honey-brown eyes so wide and so sad. “I _hurt_ inside when you’re upset like this, Dries, please let me help. Please.” 

Dries lost what little fight had built up in him and walked a few feet away, leaning heavily against the back of his car once he reached it. He let out a deep, tired sigh, covered his face with his hands, then let out a long groan and dropped them again in order to stare up into the darkening sky. 

“Take me home,” he whispered miserably. 

Lorenzo took Dries’ keys out of his hand and readily bundled him into the car, getting well on the way before he even bothered calling his wife. “I’m bringing Dries,” he said in lieu of a greeting, before Jenny had even finished saying, ‘ _Pronto?’_ “He’s too upset to even talk about why he’s upset. I know what I want to make, and I know we have everything else for it, but will you make sure that we have the good mozzarella, pecorino romano, and garlic? And plenty of Pallagrello nero?”

_“I know for a fact that we’re out of the really good buffalo mozzarella.”_ They heard the sound of the refrigerator opening and a little rustling come through the speakers. _“We have some, but it’s not the stuff from Sogni di Latte. Plenty of pecorino romano_ and _toscano. I just got garlic on Monday, but I think you’ve gone through it already - or if not, then almost.”_

“I’ll stop on the way. Do we need anything else?”

_“Bananas.”_

“Already?”

_“Have you met your sons?”_

Dries found it in him to snort softly. “Have you met yourself?”

Laughing, Lore reached over to squeeze Dries’ knee gently; a comforting touch, nothing more. 

“Okay, my treasure,” Lorenzo said to Jenny, “thank you for checking. If you think of anything else, text me. I love you.”

_“I love you more.”_

“Potatoes!” Lorenzo yelped, startling Dries into staring at him. That was an odd response, even for a couple as silly as Lorenzo and Jenny could be. “Sorry. Do we have any?”

_“Potatoes? One or two, I think. You need potatoes for pizza?”_

“Nah.” Lore squeezed Dries’ thigh one more time, grinning. “Side of fries.” 

Dries’ heart, which had already been warmed beyond belief by Lorenzo’s sweetness and his instinct to take care of Dries, seemed to grow another size and start to radiate yet again. That pizza was the same thing Lorenzo had made for dinner on their first night together, and Lorenzo knew from plenty of experience that a massive plate of fries was often Dries’ choice comfort food and/or guilty pleasure. He’d even made sure that they had his favourite wine. 

“I love you,” Dries murmured once Lorenzo had ended the call. 

He could practically feel Lore’s blush radiate across the centre console. “You, too.”

Thankfully, the stop at the store was brief; Lore didn’t leave Dries to wallow in his own melancholy any longer than necessary. “Thank you,” he whispered when Lorenzo slipped back into the car, stowing the bags in the backseat.

Thanks to his size, Lorenzo could turn entirely in his seat, pulling his legs up to cross in front of him and covering Dries’ hand with his own. The other, he lifted to rest against Dries’ cheek in turn, and Dries pressed against it. Lorenzo ran his fingers through Dries’ beard for a moment, then looked into his eyes. “Can you tell me what’s wrong yet?” he asked quietly.

Dries mirrored his posture somewhat, pulling up one leg to tuck as he turned sideways in his seat. He tipped his head to the side against the headrest and gave Lorenzo a tired, sad, barely-there smile. “Jan and I had a fight.”

Lorenzo’s eyebrows shot toward his hairline. “You and _Jan?”_

Dries’ thoughts exactly. He nodded, looking down. 

“Have you and Jan _ever_ fought?” 

Dries had to let out a bitter laugh. “Like this? Never. Over stealing the covers or dirty tackles in training or waking up from a dream where he said something bitchy and I refused to speak to him until lunch, yes. But otherwise?”

Lorenzo’s lips quirked in a sad little smile, and he took Dries’ hand again. “Okay, what did he do?” 

Dries cracked an amused smile. “I appreciate that you assume that it’s his fault, and not mine.”

_“You,_ my heart, are as perfect as anything could be. Naturally, I assume that you couldn’t have caused any trouble at all.”

After a beat or two, they both snickered, if a little weakly. Dries turned Lorenzo’s hand over in his own, playing with his fingers, tracing lightly between them. “He’s found somebody else,” he said.

Lorenzo furrowed his brow. “Not to be too obvious,” he said dryly, “but you aren’t exactly the poster-boy for monogamy yourself.”

“No, I mean somebody _else_ ... like, instead of me.” He felt tears threaten and he glanced away, steadfastly blinking them away. “A cute little thing for him to fuck whenever he wants to. He doesn’t just _get_ to fuck people. Paulo is so possessive; I had to _work_ for it, don’t you remember? I thought...” He huffed out a sad little noise, then pulled his phone out and handed it to Lorenzo, who blinked. “Look at him. He’s fucking twenty-three. Short, cute little thing, baby face, brown hair, firm ass. That was me when Jan and I first started fooling around. Now he has that again - why would he want _this_ version of me?”

He knew he was being unfair. He knew that he wasn’t giving Jan enough credit - he would never be so shallow as that, for one thing. But that was too much like logic, and he was too upset for logic. 

Lorenzo unlocked the phone as Dries ranted. Dries hadn’t bothered closing his google search, so it was the first thing Lore saw. Lorenzo tilted his head at the phone, then looked at Dries. “You’re _much_ cuter,” he said firmly when Dries was done. 

“Lore.”

“I mean it.” Lorenzo gave Dries his phone back, then took Dries’ hands into his. He squeezed, and then one came up to run through his hair. “With the little bit of silver in your curls...” His thumb brushed along Dries’ temple. “...And the beautiful lines around your eyes when you laugh...” Dries couldn’t help a warm shiver as Lorenzo’s hand dropped to his chest, two fingers hooking into the collar of his t-shirt, pulling it down a few inches. “...And your perfect body.” He gave him a stern look. “Whether you think so or not.” 

“Stop,” Dries mumbled, blushing. 

“Don’t want to. Have I reminded you lately how lucky I feel every time I think about how many stars had to line up in order for God to bring you to me? Somewhere, there is a universe where you stayed at PSV for the rest of your career, or went to the Premier League or the Bundesliga or something, and if the Lorenzo in that universe ever found out how happy you make me in this one, he would walk to Belgium, he would swim the English Channel, he would climb through the Alps and scour Germany if it meant having the slightest chance of finding you.” 

Lorenzo’s poetic tangents never failed to make him melt, make him fall in love with him all over again. Dries could only sit there and let the pleased, embarrassed warmth course through him, looking down at his lap. Once he suppressed the urge to smile, he glared. “I know what you’re doing,” he accused. “You’re trying to be so sweet that I forget I’m upset.”

Lore grinned unabashedly. “Is it working?” 

Dries couldn’t have helped laughing even if he wanted to. He had been in a tailspin, and knew that in the absence of Kat - and Jan - Lorenzo would be the only one who could catch him. He was insufferably romantic, infinitely nurturing, and infuriatingly distracting. It was everything that Dries needed at that exact moment. 

“Yes,” he murmured. He glanced around, but there was still no one even near their car; he leaned forward, taking Lorenzo’s face in both of his hands, and kissed him soundly before pulling away only enough to look into his eyes. They were wide and earnest, and fuck, just so, so beautiful. He brushed a hand through Lorenzo’s hair and smiled into another kiss. “It’s working annoyingly well.” 

“Good,” Lore said. He winked, then abruptly straightened up, starting the car. “Because I’m so hungry I can’t even see straight.”

When they arrived at Lorenzo's house, Dries put the groceries away while Lore went to find Jenny. She returned with him, already wrapped in a flowery silk dressing gown for the evening with her hair up in a messy topknot, and immediately gave Dries a giant hug and sweet kiss. “I’m sorry you had a bad day, sweetie.” 

Dries relaxed into her, breathing in the hint of vanilla in her perfume, and he smiled. He’d complimented that perfume early in their relationship, but she rarely wore it. She had put it on just for him because he was upset; he hugged her a little tighter when he realised it.

“Thanks,” he murmured. 

She kissed his cheek, then assumed a very businesslike air, straightening up and nudging him out of the way of the refrigerator. “I’m going to start chopping and mixing. You two go upstairs - or wherever - for awhile.” She winked at him over her shoulder, and Dries felt a little flutter wake up in his belly.

They had both gone above and beyond to cheer him up, and being reminded that he was still loved so deeply regardless of what was happening with Jan worked wonders to that end. Dries made a conscious decision, then, to set aside his angst and put all his focus on these two, the people who were here for him right now, working so hard to make him happy. 

He glanced slyly over at Lorenzo. “Feel like a shower?”

“How about a bath?” 

“How about we see whether or not we can even make it all the way to the bedroom?” Dries smirked, then purposefully grabbed Lorenzo by the front of his t-shirt, dragging him from the kitchen. True to his word, he only let them get about a step or two into the dining room before he backed up against the wall, pulling Lorenzo flush against him. Lore quickly got on the same page, and he put his hands on Dries’ chest, keeping him pinned against the wall as they kissed. 

“I want you to fuck me,” Dries said between kisses. He slid his hand around the back of Lorenzo’s head, holding him fast in another hungry kiss, his tongue leading the way, his fingers winding into Lorenzo’s hair, not pulling, exactly - just keeping him in place. “Please, I know it’s--”

“Don’t say another word,” Lorenzo whispered firmly. He leaned up to kiss Dries again, softer and sweeter now. “If that’s what you want, that’s what I want to do.” 

Dries made a happy sound, pressing his forehead against Lorenzo’s. “I love you,” he whispered. He tilted his head, nuzzling his nose against Lore’s before he kissed him again, and he could _feel_ him blush. 

Lorenzo grinned and dragged him into the living room, backing him into the sofa and pushing him down until he landed heavily. Suddenly Dries found himself possessing a lapful of Lorenzo, and they grinned at each other again before Lorenzo dipped his head down to continue kissing him.

“You,” Lorenzo breathed between kisses, “are so perfect.” His hands twisted into Dries’ hair, slid down his neck, then down his chest and stomach, quickly finding their way under the hem of his shirt. 

“No more than you.” Dries grinned at Lore’s blush, then breathed out a laugh at the feeling of fingers brushing against his sensitive sides, digging in just enough to tease him. They drew upwards, and at Lore’s prompting, Dries raised his arms up. Once he was free of his shirt, he quickly divested Lorenzo of his own in return.

Finally shirtless, hot skin against hot skin, Dries began peppering kisses all up and down Lorenzo’s neck and throat, his palms starting against the hard curves of his chest, then beginning to roam as he made his way lower. Sighing softly, all of Lorenzo’s lines slackened and he just sat loosely, arms heavy, letting his head tip back, baring his neck to Dries’ attention. 

Happy to give it, Dries kissed his way down the ridge of Lorenzo’s clavicle, playfully tonguing at the little notch under the base of his throat. Dries loved when Lore straddled him like this; looking _up_ at him was particularly thrilling, and Dries appreciated that the position gave him a great angle to appreciate Lorenzo’s chest.

“Wait,” he said suddenly, blinking at the two names inked into the skin that he was so busy nuzzling and kissing. He looked up. “The boys aren’t here, are they?”

“Choir,” Lorenzo said breathlessly, shaking his head a little. “At church until half past seven.”

Dries giggled suddenly, dropping his forehead against Lorenzo’s chest, and when Lorenzo pulled back just enough to arch an eyebrow at him, Dries gave him a naughty grin. “Sorry, it’s just that what I want you to do to me right now is very, very sinful.”

Lorenzo gave him a sharp look. “Behave,” he admonished.

Kissing him in apology, Dries did his best, dusting Lore’s skin with more kisses that slowly moved lower, even biting gently along the way. He made his way to a nipple and smirked up at Lorenzo, poking it back into the surrounding flesh with a wiggle of his tongue.

“I’m going to start with this one,” he said, catching it between his teeth, “and I plan on seeing just how crazy I can drive you before I even bother with the other one.”

He bit, firmly flicking the little nub with the tip of his tongue. When it was hard and slick and Lorenzo was just starting to breathe a little harder, Dries opened his mouth against Lorenzo’s chest, sucking fiercely for a few seconds. He teased the other nipple with his fingertips, rolling and squeezing and giving it the occasional gentle twist, measuring Lore’s pleasure in gasps and whimpers.

He had every intention of continuing this for another five or ten minutes when Lorenzo very suddenly toppled him with a growl, overpowering him and making him break into breathless giggles of surprise as he squirmed and shoved ineffectually at Lore’s chest. Dries ended up on his back, taking up the length of the couch, with Lorenzo taking his sweet time getting settled and stretched out on top of him, grinning wickedly as he planted his hands on either side of Dries.

Dries arched an eyebrow. “Hi.”

“Hi. You were taking too long.”

“It’s called foreplay.”

“There’s plenty of time for that afterwards.”

“The whole point of foreplay is that it comes _before_ sex. And don’t get too comfortable, you still need--”

Lorenzo sighed _very_ loudly, cutting him off, then reached around to the back pocket of his jeans, and when his hand returned, it had a tiny bottle of lube and a condom clutched in it. “I had a feeling we’d be needing these.” he said smugly. “I grabbed them when we got home and I went upstairs to find Jenny.”

“Oh, sure, you cook dinner and just _expect_ that I’ll be putting out, hmm?”

“You are _so_ much work.” With a melodramatic groan, Lorenzo effectively shut him up with a kiss so long and deep that Dries was panting by the end of it. “Now. I can’t think of anything at all right now except how badly I want to be inside you.” Dries let out a happy little whine, and Lorenzo smirked. “And considering that I do still need to make dinner eventually...”

Dries pantomimed giving in, deflating with a sigh. He ran his hands up into Lorenzo’s hair, then down along his jaw, fingertips over his coarse beard, thumbs brushing across his cheekbones. _“Fine,”_ he sighed, pinching Lorenzo’s chin, “I guess we can skip the foreplay.” 

“Well, if you don’t want me to--”

“That’s _not_ what I said!”

“--because there’s always after dinner, and--”

Dries, quite finished talking when there could be kissing and other sexy funtimes happening, silenced Lorenzo with the former, swallowing down his impish laughter and wrapping him in strong arms, holding Lore’s smaller, solid frame in place in order to lift his hips, pushing his hard dick up against Lore’s thigh. “Right now, damn you,” he demanded breathlessly. “I. Want. You. To fuck me.”

Lorenzo’s response came in the form of a quick grin, and he scrambled to his feet and yanked his jeans and pants down in one swift motion. He was on top of Dries again within seconds, mouths crashing together. They managed to work together to strip Dries the rest of the way, somehow, and Dries eagerly ripped the condom open before they were even properly horizontal again. 

Lorenzo laughed. “You’re skipping a step, love,” he pointed out. He held up three fingers and wiggled them at Dries, who blushed. 

“Right,” he said bashfully. 

Lorenzo kissed his embarrassment away, his fingers thoroughly working Dries open as he did, and Dries melted under him, lost to the waves of pleasure that coursed through him whenever Lore brushed over his prostate. By the time he was ready, he was already a squirming mess, moaning into Lore’s mouth, barely able to keep enough presence of mind about him to hang onto the condom until it was needed.

“Give it to me,” Lorenzo demanded breathlessly. 

Dries relinquished the condom readily, and it was only a few seconds more until he was groaning softly, biting his tongue as Lorenzo pushed into him. Dries folded under him, his ankles over Lorenzo’s’s shoulders, and Lore gripped his thighs, his head back and eyes closed, his face a reflection of bliss. Lorenzo was _always_ gorgeous, but this was one of Dries’ favourite ways to see him. 

He let himself get lost in the feeling of being connected like this, of knowing how much he turned Lorenzo on, how much Lorenzo loved him. Dries’ hands were everywhere, cupping his face, grabbing at his hair, pinching his nipples. It wasn’t a hard fuck or a particularly tender one - they just had fun together, exchanging grins and occasional kisses all the while. 

When Lorenzo came, he gave Dries a brief, searing kiss before throwing his head back with a gasp, his expression almost mirroring one of pain for a moment before he was grinning again, his eyes heavy-lidded and dark and beautiful as he looked down at Dries, caressing his face with fingers trembling from exertion. “You are one of my favourite places to be,” he murmured, easing out, tying off the condom to discard, and then stretching out on top of him. 

They kissed again with a kind of smouldering hunger, something that was both sated and not - more than likely because one of them _was_ sated, and the other not. Lorenzo appeared to have every intention of changing that, however, and after they finally came up for air, Lorenzo gave him a soft little nip on the lip.

“Your turn,” he said.

Dries made an exaggeratedly content face, wiggling himself deeper into the cushion to show that he was ready. It made Lorenzo laugh, and then he began kissing his way down Dries’ chest. Dries scooted back a little to give him enough room to stretch out on his stomach, then dropped his head back to rest on the arm of the couch, groaning appreciatively when Lorenzo swallowed him down.

What very few people knew about Lorenzo Insigne was that he was absolutely world class at sucking cock. Dries had been the lucky recipient of probably hundreds of blowjobs in his life, but there was something about the way that Lore did it that blew Dries’ mind, too, every single time. No one on earth had ever given him better head; he couldn’t even put his finger on what it _was._

Lorenzo did, though, easily sliding just one back inside of Dries at that very moment, and he knew exactly when to curl it to stroke over Dries’ prostate. Dries bucked his hips a little by accident, making Lorenzo gag, then grunt in annoyance and slap him on the thigh. 

“Ow!” yelped Dries. Lorenzo glared, and Dries gave him a stormy pout back, but it was more pout than storm. “Sorry!”

Lorenzo rolled his eyes, unable to respond much more eloquently since his mouth was quite full. He went back at it with just as much enthusiasm, now clearly with a purpose behind his technique other than simple pleasure. His hand dug into Dries’ hips, nose buried in his pubes as he sucked and licked. 

Dries was probably moaning loudly enough that Jenny was closing windows, but he didn’t care because it was all building up, the fuse was lit and creeping ever closer to the dynamite, and when it ignited, it was as intense of an explosion as Dries had experienced. He tapped on Lore’s head urgently, and then once Lore was clear, he let himself go, curling his toes and crying out.

Lorenzo was there to muffle his gasps and moans with a hungry kiss, Dries’ cock pulsing between them, his release smearing between their bodies as Lorenzo brought Dries down gradually, the heat of his kisses simmering down to nothing but sweet pecks after a few seconds.

Dries tried to catch his breath while Lorenzo made himself comfortable, folding his arms on Dries’ chest and resting his chin on them, smiling at him. Dries took his time enjoying the chance to lazily trace invisible trails along Lorenzo’s forehead, his cheeks, his lips. It was nice being able to just stare back at him because _fuck,_ what a beautiful man. 

“Better?” asked Lorenzo.

Dries’ answer was another dreamy, sated sigh. He really was. He was still hurt, yes, and he was still angry and he was still jealous, but those feelings, that whole situation - it had nothing to do with where he was in that exact moment, who he was with and how much he was loved. Concentrating on those things was what was keeping him afloat. 

“Much better,” he whispered. 

They had a shower, lazy and warm and snuggly, soaping each other up and rinsing each other off with smiling kisses sprinkled in between. Once Lorenzo’s hair was free of conditioner, he turned around in Dries’ arms and wrapped him in a hug. “I should go get dinner started,” he murmured. “I think the boys will be home soon.”

Dries blinked slowly at him, caught under the spell of the firm rush of hot water. “Mmkay. I’m going to stay a little longer - this is _so_ nice.” 

“Of course.” Lore smiled and kissed him, and Dries let his head fall back, eyes closed, hot water running through his hair and cascading down his body. He barely moved a muscle for another fifteen minutes or so, getting the water as close to burning hot as he dared. It was blissful.

By the time Dries did emerge, dinner was in the oven and Lorenzo was back, stretched out in bed and already engrossed in yet another new book. He was dressed in joggers from the waist down but still blessedly shirtless, and Dries let the towel fall from around his waist and just collapsed naked into bed near him, squirming until his head was in Lorenzo’s lap. 

Lorenzo ran soothing fingers through Dries’ hair with the hand that wasn’t holding his book, and Dries sighed, closing his eyes and digging his knuckles into them, trying to scrub away the itch from crying so much earlier. He may have ended up falling asleep there but for his phone’s soft trills from the nightstand behind him, alerting him to a text message, and then another right after it. 

“Ugh,” he said, drawing it out into a whine. “Leave me alone.” He rolled over to pick it up, but he froze briefly when he abruptly remembered that it could be Jan, and that this could be the text that started the whole discussion that they seriously needed to have.

Suddenly dreading what he might find, he took a shaky breath, then picked it up. When he saw what was there, he stared at it, wide-eyed. 

_ >>From: Paulo G [19:39]: Dries, I want you to know I'm sorry about all of this _  
_ >>From: Paulo G [19:39]: if I realise Jan didn't tell you about Harry I would have say something about it _

Dries hesitated, his fingers hovering over the screen, then exhaled and tapped out a reply. 

_ <<To: Paulo G [19:39]: it's not your fault, I gather you're just one more person Jan doesn't tell the whole story to _

_ >>From: Paulo G [19:40]: that's… something to talk about another time. But just remember he is human. He make a mistake, and I guarantee you he regret it _  
_ >>From: Paulo G [19:40]: if you want, you can see _

_ <<To: Paulo G [19:40]: what do you mean, I can see? _

_ >>From: Paulo G [19:40]: I take Jan home after training today and punish him _  
_ >>From: Paulo G [19:41]: and I record it if you want to see _

Dries's jaw dropped. Lorenzo looked up from his book, raising an eyebrow.

"Everything okay?"

"I…" Dries shook his head in bemusement. "Paulo says if I want, I can watch him punishing Jan for hurting me."

Lore blinked, then scrambled up to a sitting position to peer over Dries's shoulder. "What do you mean?"

"I don't really know. I mean, I've known all along that it's a BDSM relationship they have, but I've never actually seen the punishment part of it. But knowing Jan, it's probably just going to be Paulo spanking him or something."

"Are you going to watch it?"

"Do you think I should?" Dries tipped his head back to look into Lore's eyes.

"It might help," Lore said with a shrug.

"Maybe so," Dries murmured thoughtfully. He didn't particularly like the idea of wanting revenge on Jan, but he got the impression that this was something Paulo wanted to do for him, wanted to give him. From what he understood of the way their relationship worked, Paulo tended to take on responsibility for Jan and Toby in all kinds of ways. Usually it manifested as trying to protect them, to take care of them, but it made sense that Paulo would see it as his job to help make amends for their mistakes, too. In a way, it was almost… sweet.

_ <<To: Paulo G [19:41]: I… I think I'd like that _

Paulo sent back a smiley face emoji and a link to download the video from a shared folder online. Dries sucked in a deep breath when he saw the size of the file, though.

"It's forty-five minutes long," he said numbly. Could he watch Jan in pain for forty-five solid minutes?

_"Azz,"_ Lore muttered beside him. "Maybe it's a little more than just a spanking."

"Yeah." Dries tapped to download the video, watched as the progress bar slowly, slowly began to fill. He stared at it, his mind whirling. He was actually almost worried about Jan now. He knew Jan could take care of himself, and he wanted to trust that Paulo wouldn't actually hurt him, but still…

While he tracked the agonisingly slow progress of the download, Lore busied himself with kissing Dries's neck and shoulders. "You're getting upset again," he said gently.

"Not… upset," Dries said, chewing on his lip. "Just… tense, I guess. I'm not really sure how to feel right now."

Lore reached over to catch his chin in one hand, turning Dries's face toward him for a kiss. "Completely understandable," he murmured. "This isn't exactly a situation you come across every day."

Dries laughed ruefully. "No, I suppose it's not."

"What you need, my heart," Lore continued, "is a distraction. Dinner should be just about ready, and it will probably be finished downloading by the time we're done eating."

"Ooh," Dries said, perking up slightly. His stomach was definitely on board with that idea. He set his phone down on the bed, then pulled on enough of his clothes to be decent for dinner with Lore's children, and followed his lover down to the kitchen, breathing in the wonderful smells of food and wine and love.

Dinner with Lore and Jenny and their boys was exactly the distraction Dries had needed, as it usually was. The table was full of Dries's favourite foods, wine, and there was hardly a quiet moment for him to slip back into brooding over his troubles. Lively conversation and loud laughter were almost the perfect antidote for the raw, empty, ache inside him.

Almost, but not quite.

As soon as the boys had been excused, as soon as they had cleared the dishes and Jenny had shooed them back upstairs, he found that his mind went straight back to Jan. He usually didn't like to dwell on concerns outside of the people he was with at any given time, whether it was one of his partners or not. It felt almost rude, but tonight he couldn't seem to help it.

When Lore closed the bedroom door behind them, Dries snatched his phone from where he had left it, his hand trembling slightly. Sure enough, the video had finished downloading, but that wasn't the only thing waiting for him.

_ >>From: Kat [20:23]: I'm so sorry, schat _  
_ >>From: Kat [20:23]: I can't get away until tomorrow night _  
_ >>From: Kat [20:24]: you should spend tonight with Jenny and Lore, you don't need to be alone when you're feeling like this _

_ <<To: Kat [20:56]: I'm already here _  
_ <<To: Kat [20:56]: miss you so much though _

_ >>From: Kat [20:56]: miss you, too. Tell Jenny and Lore to give you lots of extra kisses for me _  
_ >>From: Kat [20:57]: and if you talk to Jan, you tell him for me that he's an idiot _

_ <<To: Kat [20:57]: I will _  
_ <<To: Kat [20:57]: tvb _❤️

_ >>From: Kat [20:57]: tvb _❤️

Dries smiled, then sighed, stretched out on his stomach on Lore's bed and went to open the video. It was obviously taken from Paulo's phone; the beginning of it was a paused shot of Paulo's face, his brow furrowed in concentration.

The bed dipped slightly as Lore settled down beside him. "Are you ready for this?" he said softly, kissing Dries on the cheek.

"I have no idea," Dries murmured, and tapped play.

At first Paulo was all they could see, even after he moved back and opened a drawer, rifling through it. He was still close enough to the camera to block any view of anyone else.

"What's he looking for?" Dries mused, watching Paulo scowl at the contents of the drawer. An instant later his face changed, though, and a rather dangerous smile spread across it instead.

"What is that?" Lore asked, watching Paulo take something long and thin from the drawer. Dries was about to answer, but then Paulo finally moved back enough to show the rest of the room, and anything Dries might have said flew right out of his head.

Jan was standing in the middle of the room, naked, gorgeous and hard, and Dries felt his heart leap to his throat when he saw how distraught Jan looked. The room was dimly lit, but even so, the look of anguish on his face was plain as day. Toby was on his knees next to Jan, just as naked, but it was Jan that Dries was riveted to, standing there with his arms stretched over his head.

"Is he… is he chained to the ceiling?" Lore asked in an awed whisper. "Paulo doesn't mess around, does he?"

Dries shook his head silently. No, it seemed that Paulo did not mess around at all.

_"Eyes up. You recognise this, yes?"_ Paulo held up the thing he had taken from the drawer.

_"Yes, sir,"_ Toby mumbled, though Jan shook his head.

_"Tell Jan what this is,"_ Paulo instructed.

_"It's a riding crop,"_ answered Toby. _"The kind equestrians use."_

_"And where did I get this one?"_

_"From Shani."_

"Toby's wife," Dries murmured to Lore, who just nodded. Dries remembered with a twinge of guilt that Lore wasn't likely to understand much of what was being said, since it was in English. He paused the video, thinking of translating as they went.

"You don't need to give me the commentary," Lore assured him, seeing the look in his eyes. "You can explain afterwards. You just watch for yourself right now."

Dries planted a grateful kiss on his cheek and turned his attention back to the video.

_"Yes,"_ Paulo agreed. _"As a gift, to thank me for everything I have done for you, yes?"_

_"Yes, sir,"_ Toby muttered, looking down.

_"Watch close,_ _liefje."_ Paulo moved to stand behind Jan, and Dries watched as Jan squirmed in place. _"Are you ready, my Jan?"_

_"Yes, sir,"_ Jan said in a low voice. _"Please."_

_"Tell me why I have to punish you."_

Jan hung his head. _"I… I hurt Harry and Dries."_

_"What did you do?"_

_"I didn't tell them about each other, and then they found out in probably the worst possible way."_

_"Why did this hurt them?"_

_"Harry… thinks I'm embarrassed of him, that I didn't tell Dries about him because I'm ashamed of being with him,"_ Jan said, swallowing hard. _"Dries thinks I don't ever think of him unless I want to get off, that I'm replacing him with Harry."_

_"Is this true?"_

_"No, sir."_ A flutter went through Dries's belly at that, even though he had really already known it, deep down.

_"Then why didn't you tell them about each other?"_

_"I…"_ Jan blushed. _"I forgot."_

There was a quick series of small, sharp smacks, and Jan's face twisted in pain. _"Don't lie,"_ Paulo said sternly.

_"I… I don't know."_ Another flurry of impacts, another cry of pain from Jan. Dries winced slightly, and Lore squeezed his hand.

_"Yes, you do."_

Jan's face fell. _"I… I didn't really think about it,"_ he admitted. _"I didn't stop to think about how not telling them would make them feel. I was thoughtless."_

_"Yes, you were,"_ Paulo told him firmly. _"And this is why I punish you. You were careless with their hearts. Harry, especially-- if you are going to be his Dom, then you take responsibility of taking care of him, yes? You are responsible to think about his needs as much as your own. And Dries, well… he is not yours, but he love you. He love you for years, and he deserve much better than for you to be so careless with his feelings."_

Dries flushed warmly. Hearing Paulo take his part like that...

_"Y-yes, sir."_

After that, Paulo was silent for a while, but the sound of the crop connecting with Jan's skin resumed, as did the sounds Jan made as Paulo struck him again and again. At first Dries wasn't sure how much of it he would be able to watch. Seeing Jan flinch at each blow, listening to his whimpers of pain, it threatened to be too much for him.

He knew Lorenzo could tell how much it was affecting him, too, because he could feel Lore's fingers tightening over his every time he winced. At one point he realised he was trembling. 

He was just about to break down, stop the video, when next to him Lore let out a soft sigh. "He loves it," he murmured, sounding surprised. 

"What?" Dries looked at him in confusion.

"Listen to him. Look how hard he is."

Dries turned his eyes back to Jan, wanting to object, but it was true: despite how hard Paulo seemed to be hitting him with the crop, Jan's dick was still as hard as Dries had ever seen it, flushed dark and dripping. And the whimpers and cries he was making-- they were as much moans of pleasure as of pain.

A shiver ran through him at the realisation. Jan had told him before just how into this he was, but actually seeing it for himself was a different matter.

"God, that's hot," Lorenzo whispered in awe. He nudged Dries in a way that he recognised.

"Stop," he muttered, elbowing Lore. For some reason it felt weird to him, getting turned on watching someone he loved as much as Jan in pain. Even if Jan was clearly turned on by it himself. 

Fortunately Paulo stopped before much longer, and Jan's body went slack, his head hanging between his arms. The only sound Dries could make out for a minute or so was the sound of Jan crying, and despite everything it tore at Dries's heart.

He went to stop the video, not wanting to hear any more, but Lore touched his arm. "You said it was forty-five minutes long. If Jan's punishment is already done, what's the rest of it?"

Dries blinked and frowned. "I have no idea."

Paulo was whispering in Jan's ear now, one hand gently holding on to his cock. It was oddly sweet, seeing how tender Paulo looked with him, even on the heels of the punishment he had just delivered. Then he let go of Jan and went over to Toby.

_"Would you like to say anything?"_

Paulo was mostly blocking the camera's view of Toby now, but Dries heard him cough slightly. _"I… I'm sorry if I made you angry, I--"_

_"Do you understand why I'm angry with you?"_

_"I think so, but sir, if I can just explain…"_

_"Go ahead."_

A deep breath from Toby. _"First Harry came to me, asked me about Dries, wanted me to translate something Jan said, and he was so upset… then Dries called me, and he was crying, sir, and it just… I know how it feels, and I…"_

"Ah, so it was Toby you called earlier, wasn't it?" Lorenzo murmured. "Why does he sound so sad?"

Dries paused the video and gave Lore a look. "I thought you said you didn't need the commentary," he said pointedly.

"Sorry."

_"You have such a big heart, mi cielito,"_ Paulo was saying when the video resumed. _"You feel others' hurts as if they are your own. I don't blame you for this at all. This is not why I'm upset with you."_

_"It's not?"_

_"No, liefje. I'm angry because you ignore me. You were indiscreet. The whole team probably know by now that you drag Jan out to the corridor to yell at him, and wondering why. I try to signal you to back off, I want you to wait until you are alone, but you act like you don't see me."_ Dries had to smile at the idea of sweet, gentle Toby actually yelling at Jan over this. He made a mental note to thank Toby properly the next time he saw him.

_"I'm sorry, sir,"_ Toby said, sounding defeated. Paulo clicked his tongue and gave him a quick smack with the riding crop.

_"Did I give you permission to speak? Do you understand how serious this is? You risk us all by drawing attention to our private lives. I understand being carried away by your feelings, but if you want to continue with me then you have to learn to control yourself in public, is that clear?"_

_"Yes, sir,"_ Toby whispered.

_"Stand."_

Toby got to his feet, prompting an admiring sigh from Lorenzo. "Now _that_ is a gorgeous man," he whispered to Dries, as if worried that Toby would hear him. "Have you ever slept with him?"

"Not yet," Dries said thoughtfully, eyeing Toby up and down as Paulo turned Jan loose and got Toby chained to the ceiling in his place. He hadn't really thought about it before, to be honest. Whenever he was with the national team, his focus had always been on Jan. Maybe…

_"Schatje, I want you to watch carefully,"_ Paulo said to Jan. _"This is another consequence of your thoughtlessness, and I want you to pay close attention, yes?"_

_"Yes, sir."_

It was somehow both easier and harder to watch Toby being punished. He didn't seem to be enjoying it as much as Jan had, for one thing, but then again Dries wasn't in love with Toby, either. It wasn't as if Dries didn't care about seeing Toby in pain, but it didn't tear at his heart the way it had with Jan.

Even so, if Toby's cries were anything to go by, Paulo seemed to be going rather harder on him than he had on Jan. Eventually Dries winced and looked away, but almost at the same moment, the sounds coming from Toby subsided into faint whimpers. Dries looked back at the screen just in time to see the riding crop fall to the floor behind Toby, and Paulo turned away from him and then back in sudden, jerky movements. Toby let out a gasp then, and Dries could see the moment his face changed from a grimace of pain to one of pleasure.

"Is he..." Lore whispered in an awed voice.

"I think so," Dries murmured back, just as Toby sighed longingly.

_"Paulo…"_

Dries felt Lorenzo shudder next to him, saw his eyes fixed on the screen, his expression rapt. _"Dio mio, mi sto eccitando,"_ he breathed in Dries's ear.

He closed his eyes briefly and let out a soft sigh when Lore slipped a hand inside his shorts, slid a finger inside him.

"Again?" he murmured.

"Maybe," Lore purred in his ear. "If that's okay."

"Always," Dries whispered back, spreading his legs a little wider to give Lore better access.

On the screen, meanwhile, Toby was moaning steadily now, with the occasional pained gasp or whimper. It seemed Paulo wasn't interested in being gentle with him. Then Paulo leaned in close to his ear.

_"Colour?"_

_"Green…"_

There was a _zip_ and some rustling noises, and then Toby cried out again as Paulo grabbed onto his hips, still a mix of pleasure and pain, and lurched forward half a step. 

_"Paulo… fuck, yes…"_

_"You like this? Like it rough?"_ Paulo snarled.

_"Yes. Need it. Need you. Please…"_ Paulo lowered his mouth to Toby's shoulder then and bit him, to Dries's surprise, making him cry out.

"Fuck, that's hot," Lore groaned, curling his finger inside of Dries, drawing a whimper from him that was almost drowned out by the sounds coming from his phone. Paulo's muffled grunts and the slap of flesh against flesh could just be heard in a steady stream underneath the soundtrack of Toby's moans.

Lore shifted to straddle Dries, pulling his shorts down to expose his ass, slipping another finger inside him. _"Dimmi cosa ti piace,"_ he whispered.

_"Dai mettimelo dentro,"_ Dries sighed back without taking his eyes off of Toby's gorgeous, wrecked face.

_"Yes?"_ Paulo asked, looking down over Toby's shoulder at Jan, who had been kneeling in front of them the whole time, watching.

_"Sir… can I suck him?"_ Jan asked, practically begging. _"Please? It's my fault he got into trouble, I want to make up for it, please sir…"_

"God, this keeps getting better," Dries mumbled, watching Jan scoot closer to Toby, reach out for him, close his lips around Toby's dick. Dries shuddered, remembering what it felt like to be in Jan's mouth like that, and he watched eagerly, hoping he would get to see Toby come down Jan's throat.

Lorenzo, meanwhile, had withdrawn his fingers, and Dries was dimly aware of him shifting his weight around where he was perched on top of Dries's thighs. He was staring at the way Jan and Paulo were both clutching at Toby's hips when he felt Lore push into him with a low moan.

"God," Dries breathed, his eyes sagging closed for a moment. _"E' incredible, non smettere mai…"_

_"Ti scopero' fino a farti esplodere di piacere, scricciolo mio,"_ Lore growled in his ear, his hips moving, slowly, so slowly that it felt like there was a glowing coal inside him, building up heat so gradually as to be almost unnoticeable.

_"Paulo,"_ Toby was moaning now. _"Please… Jan… alsjeblieft, meer… fuck me, Paulo..."_

Dries had to close his eyes for a moment when Lore snapped his hips forward and hit his prostate again. Underneath him, his own dick was throbbing, aching, but all he could do was try to push back against Lore with his hips, silently begging for more.

_"You going to come?"_ Paulo was gasping on the screen. _"Give Jan what he want?"_

"Yes," Dries whispered as Lore's thrusting began to pick up speed.

_"No,"_ snarled Toby, with a sudden movement that Dries couldn't quite see. It knocked Jan over, though, backwards onto the floor, where he caught himself with his arms stretched out behind him. Toby gave a deep groan and came, all over Jan's prone body, his head tipping back against Paulo's shoulder, while Jan gave a pitiful whimper that Dries recognised, his head falling back as he came too.

"Holy shit," Lore panted in his ear, his steady rhythm faltering, his hips stuttering against Dries's ass. Dries couldn't tear his eyes away from Jan, lying on the floor covered with cum. He was vaguely aware that Paulo was groaning too, was probably coming inside of Toby, just as he was aware that Lorenzo was coming inside him, but it was Jan who held his eyes like a magnet. Damn it all to hell, he didn't _want_ to be mad at Jan anymore. He wanted to be with him, would have given anything to be with him right now, to kiss him, feel their bodies slot together, meld together the way they always did.

But it still hurt. Seeing Jan be punished for his thoughtlessness was nice, but it couldn't take the place of a real apology. Of course, Jan had tried to apologise, had tried to call last night, but Dries had been too angry to listen then.

Now, though… now he just ached. He ached to talk to Jan, to listen to him, to forgive him. Ached to touch him, hold him, exchange whispered words of love. It was late enough that it would probably have to be tomorrow before he could actually talk to him, but at least now it felt possible.

Lore kissed the back of his neck, breathing hard as he carefully pulled out, leaving Dries empty and aching in an entirely different way as well. It wasn't unusual for Lore to come first when he was topping, but he was always scrupulous about finishing Dries off too. Dries glanced one more time at the screen, where Paulo was directing Toby to lie down on the bed and taking Jan into the bathroom to clean him up. Even if there was more, the punishment and sex part was clearly done, so Dries stopped the video and put his phone to one side, then rolled over, ready for whatever Lorenzo wanted to do to him now.

The door opened just then, though, and Jenny slipped into the room, a familiar smile on her face. It was one Dries only saw when they were together like this, when she watched him having sex with her husband. It was a sly smile, one that always made her look as though she had a secret. Which, Dries supposed, she did.

"Did I miss all the fun?" she murmured, closing the door behind her and coming to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Of course not," Lore said with a smile, kissing her. "Perfect timing as always, in fact. I'm done, but I think Dries might like to play a little more, don't you?"

Jenny smiled and got to her feet again, just long enough to discard the dressing gown she had been wearing all evening, and then she joined them, still smelling faintly of the perfume she had worn just for him, and she was soft and sweet and exactly what Dries needed at this precise moment.

  
  


***

  
  


When Dries woke up in the morning, he found a text message waiting for him.

_ >>From: Sophie V [07:43]: hey sweetie. Jan would really like to call you and apologise properly, if you're willing. He's terrified that he's lost you _

_ <<To: Sophie V [07:58]: I do want to talk to him, it just still really hurts _  
_ <<To: Sophie V [07:58]: if you were me, would you want to talk to him? _

_ >>From: Sophie V [07:59]: that's hard for me to say. I know you love him, though, and that he loves you too _  
_ >>From: Sophie V [07:59]: he made a thoughtless mistake, but I know he never meant to make you feel this way _  
_ >>From: Sophie V [07:59]: I had to talk him out of getting on a plane to Italy this morning _

That made Dries smile in spite of himself. It wouldn't be at all practical for Jan to pick up and fly to Naples at this point in the season, of course, but it made something inside him glow to think that Jan loved him enough to want to do it anyway.

_ <<To: Sophie V [08:00]: if he calls, I'll pick up _

Sophie didn't answer him, but it didn't matter, because his phone began to go off only moments later, and when he pressed _accept_ the screen filled with Jan's face.

_Damn him for being so beautiful,_ Dries thought with a touch of resentment, feeling his heart melt as it did every time he saw Jan. He didn't want to give in right away, didn't want to smile, wanted to make sure Jan knew how much he had hurt Dries, but it was hard, especially when Dries took in how obviously distressed Jan looked.

"Hi," Dries said.

_"Hi,"_ Jan answered with just a touch of hesitation. _"I'm so sorry, Dries, I swear I never wanted to hurt you."_

"Maybe not, but you did anyway," Dries said softly. Jan's face began to crumple, and Dries had to close his eyes. If Jan started crying, he would as well, and given that Lore was just in the bathroom and likely to come back any minute, he would really rather not.

_"Kitten, I'm sorry, it was so thoughtless of me not to make sure I had told you about him, I thought I had but I should have made sure, I--"_

"Think about how that makes me feel," Dries said, his voice rough. "You've got a new, twinky little boyfriend, short, brown hair, cute face, firm butt. Sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it? Except he's clearly the younger model."

_"No, Dries, I swear,"_ Jan pleaded, and Dries could hear the tears in his voice. _"For one thing, he's not my boyfriend--"_

"Fuck that," Dries snapped. "I don't care what word you want to use, Jan. If you fuck him then it's close enough. How could I not feel like I've been replaced?"

_"Nobody could replace you for me,"_ Jan said firmly. _"Not Harry, nobody. I've loved you longer than I've even known him, and that's not going to change. Ever."_

"Then why wouldn't you tell me about him? Or tell him about me? You say you love me, but I don't merit a mention to your new little friend?"

_"I don't have an answer for that, Dries, except that I was just plain thoughtless,"_ Jan answered miserably. _"Harry… he's not exactly thrilled about me having other partners at all, so we don't really talk about them much, even the ones he knows. He's polite to Sophie, but he's pretty hostile to Paulo, and with Toby… well, I think they both usually prefer to pretend that the other isn't in my life."_

Dries frowned. "No offense, Jantje, but that doesn't really sound healthy to me. Or sustainable." He bit his lip. The part of him that was still angry didn't want to be giving Jan advice on his relationship with Harry, but ultimately jealousy was simply not in his nature. "Maybe you should try and work that out, if you want to stay with him in the long run, I mean."

_"I know,"_ Jan said with a sigh. _"I never expected to end up with him, to tell you the truth, and it's been a lot more of a challenge than I expected."_

"How so?" Dries asked before he could stop himself.

_"Okay, before we get into that, will you forgive me for being an idiot with all this?"_ Jan's eyes were impossibly blue. _"I'm begging you, kitten, I can't stand to lose you."_

Dries heaved a sigh. "It's tempting to just say yes and let this all go, Jan, it really is," he said, biting his lip. "But I just… I need you to understand how much you hurt me." Lorenzo emerged from the bathroom while he was talking and came straight back to the bed, one eyebrow raised.

_"Stai parlando con Jan?"_ Lore asked quietly. 

Dries glanced up at him and nodded, then looked back at Jan. "I was so happy when you told me you loved me, when Paulo finally agreed to let you fuck me, it felt so special, like a gift. Tell me, how long after that was it that you started sleeping with Harry, too?"

_"Maybe a couple of weeks,"_ Jan admitted with a guilty flush. _"I didn't plan it, it just… happened."_

Dries heaved a sigh. Next to him, Lore nestled down, kissing Dries's arm. "What's he saying?" he asked softly, still in Italian. 

"He's telling me about Harry," Dries said absently. "The new boy, he's saying he didn't plan for it to happen."

Lore snorted. "No one ever plans these things, but that's no excuse for hurting the ones we love. Tell him."

_"Is that Lorenzo?"_ Jan asked, sounding apprehensive. He had reason; Dries had for years confided in each of them any time things had shifted in his relationships with them, and as a result neither was quite sure what the other knew about him, what kind of a picture Dries had painted of him. It had made them strangely brittle with each other.

"Yes," Dries said, a slight edge creeping into his voice. "I needed to be with someone who loves me, and Kat's in Belgium right now. Lore says nobody really plans this sort of thing. He's not terribly pleased with you right now."

_"Well, I'm not terribly pleased with myself either, so he can stand down,"_ Jan said a little shortly.

"What's he saying?" Lore demanded, scowling at Dries's phone.

"That he's mad enough at himself, so you don't need to give him as hard of a time."

Lorenzo snorted dismissively. _"Tené 'a capa sulo pe spartere 'e rrecchje,"_ he shot back, and Jan frowned despite not understanding the Neapolitan insult. "Asshole," Lore added, in English this time-- one of the few words he had picked up from Dries over the years.

Dries winced and rubbed his forehead. "Love, I appreciate you standing up for me, but I don't really have it in me to deal with the two of you sniping at each other today," he said wearily in Italian, then switched back to Dutch to address Jan, who looked ready to fire back. "Jantje, please…"

_"I'm sorry,"_ Jan said immediately. _"Truce. All I care about right now is you."_

"That's sweet." Dries paused for a moment, trying to decide if he wanted to let go of his resentment; he had said what he wanted to say, and Jan had clearly heard him. "You were starting to tell me more about Harry, weren't you?"

_"I mean, only if you want me to talk about him,"_ Jan said, so hesitantly that something twisted inside Dries. He had never been one to get jealous, always loved to hear all about his various partners' other relationships and dalliances. The idea that Jan thought he wouldn't want to hear about someone new in Jan's life stung.

"I'd say it's overdue at this point, eh?" Dries flashed Jan half a grin, and his entire body filled with warmth at how earnestly Jan returned it. Even if he had wanted to stay mad, it was impossible when Jan smiled at him like that.

_"Does that mean you forgive me, then?"_ Jan asked eagerly, his eyes large and vulnerable.

Dries took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then let it out, visualising that he was expelling the last of his anger along with it. "Yes," he said softly. "I forgive you."

_“Vergeef?”_ parotted Lorenzo from next to him, brow furrowed. 

Dries smiled at the sound of Dutch on Lore’s tongue. _“Perdono,”_ he translated.

_"I'nun saccio 'o pecché,"_ Lorenzo grumbled.

_"Perchè lo amo,"_ Dries answered, catching Lore's hand in his and bringing it to his lips. 

_"What did he say?"_ Jan asked, eyeing Lorenzo warily. 

"He said he doesn't know why I'm forgiving you."

_"And?"_

"And I told him it's because I love you." Dries had to smile when Jan's entire face transformed, lighting up like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

_"I love you too,"_ Jan replied, beaming. _"When can you come visit again? I need to kiss you, as soon as possible."_

Dries giggled. "We'll have to see what we can do."

They smiled fondly at each other for a minute, until something that had been lurking in the back of Dries's mind suddenly came crashing to the fore.

"Jan?"

_"Mmm?"_

"In the video, something Paulo said..."

_"Yes?"_

Dries grinned. "So tell me already. How the hell did someone as submissive as you end up with a sub of your own?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ayerlind has more or less convinced me that I don't necessarily need to translate all the bits of non-English in our fics, since Google Translate is a thing. However, this chapter contains a couple of phrases in Neapolitan, which won't work with Google Translate, so here you are:
> 
> Tené 'a capa sulo pe spartere 'e rrecchje - Literally "he only has a head to keep his ears apart" aka "he's a dumbass"  
> I'nun saccio 'o pecché - I don't know why


	5. Harry

Harry pressed his forehead against the cold tile wall of the shower, breathing deeply as he fought against the urge to cry. He felt like he had spent a disproportionate amount of time crying over the last day or so, and it had left him feeling drained. He was sick of crying, and he certainly would rather not cry here, in the training centre, where anyone might notice.

He still wasn't quite sure how things had gone so wrong so quickly. He had known that Jan had multiple partners, of course, and he hadn't exactly asked Jan at any point to specify just how many others there were. He could even almost understand how it might have slipped Jan's mind-- keeping straight the nuances of that many different relationships was bound to be difficult. Maybe it _was_ just an innocent mistake that he had neglected to mention this Dries person before now.

_But,_ whispered the persistent little voice inside him. _But if it was, then why did he get so twitchy about it? He fell all over himself telling Dries that you aren't his boyfriend, and he said I love you to Dries, when he obviously doesn't feel that way about you._

_Am I that embarrassing? Am I just some throwaway fuck to him?_

He had long since lost the battle against his tears. Not that it mattered in here; no one could hear him crying quietly over the sound of the showers, and the water washed away the evidence anyway, so he gave in, let himself have a good long cry.

He had no idea what to do now. Getting into a relationship with Jan had been the realisation of a dream he had had for his entire adult life, and he had certainly never imagined that Jan could make him feel this way, make him feel so unloved, so unwanted.

He never felt like this ordinarily, though, was the thing. Being with Jan usually felt like a dream; every smile, every kiss, every fond look Jan gave him made his blood sing, made him shiver from the inside out, and it was an addicting feeling, one that he found himself chasing by whatever means necessary. Sometimes he ended up getting himself punished for it, when he got too bratty in his pursuit of Jan's attention, but he rarely minded, because even being punished by Jan was one of the hottest experiences of his life.

This was a completely different feeling, one devoid of any thrill, one that left him snappy with his friends and crying in the shower. It was something he never wanted to feel again.

Finally he took a slow, shuddering breath, trying to force himself to calm down, to get ahold of himself at least enough to walk out of the shower with some semblance of dignity intact.

_Just focus on getting out of here,_ he told himself. _Just get yourself home and you can figure out the rest of it later._

He felt like every eye was on him when he returned to the changing room, though. He tried to ignore them, ignore the worried glance he saw Dele throw his way, ignore the flash of sympathy that crossed Paulo's face before he looked away. It made Harry want to glare, made him want to stomp over there and tell Paulo to fuck off, even though it wouldn't be fair; this wasn't really his fault. But he was too much in his feelings about Jan to care about fair. Nothing about this was fair.

Before he could do anything else, though, there was a bellow from out in the corridor. 

"Okay, _dat is nog iets waar we over moeten praten!"_

Harry's heart leapt into his mouth, and he sank down onto a bench in surprise. _Was that… Toby?_ He had never heard Toby yell like that before, not off the pitch. And he was yelling in Dutch, which meant that he was more than likely yelling at Jan, which was such a bizarre idea that he instinctively tried to dismiss it as impossible. But he couldn't help noticing that Jan wasn't in the changing room right now, either.

"Hey. You okay?" The voice that suddenly filled his ear was soft, with a familiar accent. Harry didn't look up, not wanting to see that fucking sympathetic look in Juan's eyes, too.

"Dunno," Harry mumbled, staring at the floor. "Just… need to get outta here. Feels like everyone's staring at me." He didn't bother to ask how Juan knew he was upset; he had learned long ago just how observant Juan could be.

"No one is staring at you," Juan said reassuringly. "What else do you need to do before you can go?"

Harry shrugged, glad to have something to focus on besides what Toby and Jan were arguing about. He pulled up his schedule on his phone and eyed the rest of the week. "Nothing, really. I've got an interview in a couple of days, and I'm due for a session with wellness, but that doesn't have to be today."

"Let's get you out of here, then," Juan suggested gently, slipping an arm around his shoulders. "I'll help you get your things together."

Harry tilted his head up to look at Juan out of the corner of one eye, an approximation of a smile crossing his face. It felt foreign, unfamiliar, like his face was out of practise, but it was an improvement over crying, anyway.

"Thanks, mate." He stood up and made his way over to his cubby in the dressing room, gathering up his things and stowing them in his bag without paying any attention to what he was doing.

"Ah, Harry?"

"Yeah?" Harry blinked at Juan, who had been handing him things to pack up, but was now looking at him expectantly.

"You maybe should get dressed," he said delicately. Harry looked down at himself in surprise, realising with a start he was still wearing only a towel.

"Thanks," he muttered sheepishly.

  
  


***

  
  


He wasn't really surprised that Juan insisted on staying with him that evening. Over the last couple of years they had spent the night with each other occasionally, just for the fun of letting go of their professional veneers and indulging their inner children. Usually they would pig out on pizza and crisps, stay up too late playing video games, and sleep in the next morning, then spend a week or so feeling guilty and working extra hard in training to make up for it.

At first they had alternated between Harry's place and Juan's, but Juan was married now, and while Harry got on with his wife just fine, it just wasn't the same with someone else around. 

_Married._ Whenever Harry thought too much about that concept, it tended to make him dizzy. Juanito was younger than he was, after all, and Harry couldn't even begin to imagine a time when he might get married. 

_Not much chance, anyway, unless I fall in love with someone who's not already married,_ he thought bitterly. And that didn't seem terribly likely, not with Jan in his life. Even now, the idea of being in a relationship with someone who wasn't Jan made his insides twist into knots.

Juan leaned over and gave his shoulder a gentle shove. "Hey. You need to stop thinking so much for a while," he chided gently.

Harry let out a snort of laughter and slumped back against the cushions of his couch. "Seems that's all I can do lately," he muttered, half to himself.

Juan frowned and lowered his Xbox controller. "What do you mean?"

Harry shrugged. "Just… hasn't been an easy day or two. I'll get over it, but believe me, I would love it if I could stop thinking so much."

"Anything you want to talk about?" Juan asked carefully. "I don't like to ask, but…"

Harry took a deep breath, let it out as a long sigh. "I wish I could, I really do. I could use some advice."

"But you can't?"

Harry shook his head.

"Why not?"

"Can't talk about that, either," Harry said apologetically.

Juan was silent for a while, toying with his controller. Finally he sighed. "What if I guess? Can you talk about it then?"

Harry's breath caught in his throat. He desperately wanted to say yes, but he felt like he was being choked by all the rules about keeping things as discreet as possible.

Juan seemed to take his silence for assent, though. "Well, whatever is wrong seem to have something to do with Jan, yes? But I also notice Paulo is upset today too. Not… not upset like you are, but he is tense, stress."

_Of course he tunes into fucking Paulo. Even my friend pays more attention to Paulo than to me._ It wasn't fair, and he knew it, but right now he didn't care.

Harry didn't respond, but something must have shown on his face, because Juanito frowned. "Why are you so angry at Paulo lately? I see you glare at him, snap at him today, but is not just today. Ever since the summer you seem to not want to be around him."

Harry bit into his lip, hard, trying to keep the truth from spilling out of him.

"It don't make sense," Juan mused. "Unless…" He hesitated, and Harry looked up at him, almost wishing that he would just say it, the dam inside him was about to burst--

"Unless you know about Jan and Paulo too."

That took Harry by surprise. He wasn't quite sure what he had expected Juan to say, but the revelation that he already knew about Jan's relationship with Paulo still caught him off guard.

"How d'you…?" Harry blurted out.

"I catch them together," Juan admitted. "Not… doing anything, really, but still. Was obvious."

Harry winced. "That's a hell of a way to find out."

Juan shrugged. "It was funny, really. How do you find out?"

Harry mirrored Juan's shrug. "Just sorta put it together. They started going home together after games, and I saw them makin eyes at each other a couple of times."

"That must hurt," Juan said gently. "To see Jan with someone else."

There was a lump in his throat now. Harry wanted to swallow it down, or maybe spit it out, but if he did he was afraid too much of the truth would come with it.

"It did," he finally managed. "A lot."

Juan was quiet for a while, giving Harry time to swallow the lump, try to get back some of his composure.

"So you find out in the summer? And now you don't like Paulo any longer."

Harry just shrugged again. It wasn't that he didn't _like_ Paulo, really, and he wanted to say so, but he still didn't trust himself to speak.

"But that don't explain why you are upset now," Juan mused. "Something else happen, ah?"

Harry nodded. He knew Juan was edging closer and closer to the truth, and he knew that he probably _should_ try to prevent it, but he was tired of hiding, tired of keeping the most important relationship in his life a secret, tired of having nobody to talk to about this… he was just plain _tired._

"You know about them, and you were okay," Juan said slowly. "Not excited about Paulo, maybe, but not as upset as I guess you would be. I can't think what can make you be okay with Jan having a boyfriend who's not you, unless…"

When he said the word _boyfriend,_ it was just a little bit too much for Harry, and he let out a sudden sob.

"Unless you are his boyfriend too," Juan concluded, his eyes soft.

Harry surprised himself then by laughing. "Well, you're mostly right," he said, scrubbing at his eyes with one hand. "But Jan's made it very clear that I'm not his boyfriend."

Juan looked confused at that. "But you are…?"

"We're… something," Harry said lamely. "I don't know. He kisses me and holds me and acts just like he would if I were, but…"

"Do he say why…?" Juan's already soft voice was hardly more than a whisper now.

"Not really. I'm guessing my age has something to do with it, he gets all uncomfortable any time it comes up."

"What?" Juan sounded baffled, and Harry saw that he was frowning. "Why?"

"'Cause I'm so much younger than him," Harry answered with a sigh. "Maybe he feels like I'm still a kid, or something."

"But you are older than me," Juanito objected. "I'm old enough to be married, but he think you are too young?"

"I dunno, mate," Harry grumbled. "Doesn't make much sense to me either."

They were quiet for another minute or so as Juan digested this. "So, you are with Jan. Since the summer, no? So what change?"

Harry thought carefully before answering. "I can't tell you everything. Some of it's not my secret. But… I found something out, something he should have told me from the off, but he didn't, and I found out by accident, and…" Harry gritted his teeth, determined not to cry again. It made him feel even more helpless than he already did.

"And?" Juan's soft voice was full of sympathy.

"And it made me feel like I'm not important to him at all. Like even if he _could_ tell everyone about me, he wouldn't want to."

That was all he got out before he had to clench his jaw shut, clamp down on the sobs that refused to stay banished. Juan instantly scooted closer to him, lifting an arm as if to hug him, but Harry shook his head quickly.

"Please don't," he said, his voice low and rough. "If you hug me, I'll cry, and I am _sick_ of crying."

Juan put his arm down, but didn't scoot away again. He sat quietly for a moment, then hesitantly reached out again, gingerly set his hand on top of Harry's where it rested on his knee.

"Can I ask a question to you?" Juan said quietly. Harry scrubbed a hand over his face again.

"Sure."

"Is he really worth it? To feel like this?"

"Of course," Harry answered, a little surprised that Juan would ask something like that. If there was anyone at the club who understood Harry's feelings for Jan, it was Juan. "I mean… it's _Jan."_

"I know," Juan said, his eyes sad. "But sometimes… sometimes what we want the most isn't what's best for us." He threaded his fingers in between Harry's, squeezed lightly. "I don't like to see you hurt like this. If he treat you like this, then maybe..." He didn't finish the sentence, but he didn't have to.

"But he _doesn't_ treat me bad," Harry protested loyally. "He's wonderful. Bein with him is usually like a dream come true. Literally."

"You just tell me he won't call you his boyfriend," Juan pointed out gently. "That he think you are too young, he make you feel like you don't matter."

Harry shook his head stubbornly. "You don't get it, mate. It's just right now that things are tough. Normally he's amazing, makes me forget that he doesn't…" Harry bit his lip as soon as he realised what the end of that sentence was going to be.

"That he doesn't what?" Juanito asked, squeezing Harry's hand again.

Harry stared down at the floor, his mind racing, his stomach churning, his heart aching. A thousand memories of Jan flashed through his mind, the ones that ordinarily would fill him with happiness: Jan smiling at him. Jan kissing him. Jan cuddling with him in bed. Jan picking him up, fucking him against the wall, bending him over various bits of furniture, Jan coming in his mouth, Jan smirking up at him with Harry's dick down his throat. They all hurt now, more than he would have ever thought possible.

"That he doesn't love me," Harry mumbled before he could stop himself, and then he slumped back against the couch cushions, feeling the tears threatening again. It felt like a new realisation, though it wasn't, and it felt like someone had carved Harry's heart out of his chest and torn it apart while he watched.

Juan didn't respond right away to this admission, just squeezed Harry's hand again. Harry took advantage of the pause to try to get himself under control again, wanting to suggest that they play some more Xbox, or something, anything to get them away from this subject.

Finally Juan sighed. "If you don't want to give him up…"

_"Never,"_ Harry grated, ignoring the part of him that was whispering that maybe, just maybe, Juanito might be right.

"Then tell him this. All of this. Tell him how you feel, how he make you feel, good and bad. Give him a chance to fix it. Maybe he surprise you."

  
  


***

  
  


Harry stared at his face in the mirror the next morning, noticing with bemusement how drawn and tired he looked. _I'm only twenty-three,_ he thought absently, touching the dark circles under his eyes. _I shouldn't look like I'm older than Jan._

The smell of bacon and eggs was beginning to fill his house, making his stomach growl as he emerged from the loo, smiling to see the way Juan's baby face creased in concentration as he cooked. They had training today, so they really shouldn't be having bacon, but Juan had overridden his feeble objection, asserting that Harry badly needed a bit of pampering.

Harry perched on one of the bar stools at his breakfast bar, thinking wistfully of how glad he was to have a friend like this-- one who would spend a night away from his own wife of only a few months, just to take care of Harry-- when the doorbell rang, startling them both. Harry absently checked the feed from his front door camera on his phone, almost dropping it a second later in his surprise.

"It's Paulo," he said, a whole host of conflicting feelings swarming through him.

Juan's head snapped up to stare at him, his eyebrows jumping up towards his hairline. "What is he doing here?" 

"Beats me," Harry said. Suddenly he wasn't hungry anymore.

"You stay here," Juan said firmly, turning off the stovetop and wiping his hands on a towel.

Harry obeyed, trying to breathe deeply, force himself to calm down. He didn't want to see Paulo right now, didn't want to think about him, didn't want to remember that he existed.

He could hear every word they said easily enough from where he sat, though. It was in Spanish, but Harry could just about guess what they were saying.

_"¿Por qué estás aquí?"_ Juan asked as soon as he opened the door.

_"Necesito hablar con Winksy. ¿Y que hay de ti? ¿Por qué estás aquí?"_

_"Estoy tratando de ayudar a mi amigo,"_ Juan shot back sharply. _"El no quiere verte."_

A heavy sigh from Paulo. _"Yo se,"_ he said, sounding sad. _"Lo entiendo completamente, pero esto es importante."_

_"No,"_ Juanito said stubbornly. _"No dejaré que lo lastimes mas."_

_"Tu lo sabes, ¿verdad?"_ It sounded like a question, but Paulo didn't wait for an answer. _"Prometo que también estoy tratando de ayudar. Yo tampoco quiero lastimarlo."_

"Paulo…" Juan started, his voice angry.

_"Por favor,_ Juanito," Paulo said pleadingly.

"It's okay, Juan," Harry called out, suddenly weary of all the tension. He didn't want his drama to come between them. "I have to be able to be around him at training, anyway. Not much point avoiding him here."

Juan's face looked like a thundercloud when he reappeared, Paulo just visible behind him, looking effortlessly perfect as always. _No dark circles under_ his _eyes,_ Harry noticed bitterly.

"Hi, Harry--" Paulo started tentatively, but Harry cut him off.

"What do you want?" Harry asked flatly, and Paulo flinched.

"I just… want to give you this." He held up a hand, holding something small.

"What is it?" Harry said suspiciously, eyeing it as warily as if it was some kind of explosive.

Paulo set it down on the counter between them. It was a small USB stick. Harry just stared at it for a moment, then looked up at Paulo again, puzzled.

"It's…" Paulo hesitated, glancing in Juanito's direction. "How much you tell him?"

"I didn't tell him anything," Harry snapped. "He guessed, and you know what? I'm glad. I need to be able to talk to _someone_ about this that can be objective."

"Okay," Paulo mumbled, looking ashamed. "I just… this is about more than just you and Jan."

"Paulo, I don't _care_ about your secrets," Juan said irritably. "You won't shock me, and I won't tell anyone, if that's what you worry about. All I care about right now is Harry."

Paulo bit his lip, but finally sighed. "I just want you to know," he said in a low voice. "I punish Jan last night, for being careless, for hurting you. And I record it." He nudged the USB stick in Harry's direction with one knuckle. "If you want to see."

Whatever Harry had expected, that was certainly not it. He looked back and forth between the little storage device on his countertop and Paulo's face, which was absolutely serious.

Finally he swallowed. "Does he know that you recorded it? That you're giving me this?"

"Of course," Paulo said quickly.

Harry stared at it, his mind whirling. He wanted to see it, but at the same time he didn't. He tried to imagine what it would be like to see Jan like that-- he had only ever watched Jan submitting to Paulo once, and there hadn't been any punishment involved. It was tempting, but…

Harry snapped out of it suddenly, looking up at Paulo again, unable to keep the hostility out of his eyes. "Okay, you gave it to me. If that's all, then you should go."

Paulo was chewing on his lip, looking like there was more he wanted to say, but Juan was moving as soon as Harry was done talking, taking Paulo by the arm and shepherding him towards the door. "You hear him, yes? Time to go."

Once the door was closed behind Paulo, Juan came back into the kitchen, coming over to where Harry was sat, still staring at the little drive. "Are you okay?" he asked, as gentle as could be.

Harry could only shrug. "Dunno, honestly."

"You need to eat," Juan said briskly, going back over to the pan of bacon, but Harry shook his head.

"Not hungry."

"Don't care," Juan said with an approximation of a growl. _"Eat."_

Harry chuckled weakly as Juan slid a plate of bacon and eggs in front of him. "When did you get so bossy?"

"When I realise I need to be to make sure my friend is okay," Juan replied tartly, tossing his head. 

Harry laughed, a real laugh, for the first time in what felt like a year, and ate.

  
  


***

  
  


Luckily there wasn't time to watch whatever was on the USB drive before training, saving Harry from having to decide whether or not he actually wanted to. He pocketed it before leaving the house, though. For some reason he didn't feel comfortable leaving it lying around, even in his own house.

He spent most of the time it took him to drive to the training centre debating whether he felt comfortable leaving it in the dressing room, either. The only real alternative would be to tuck it into one of the pockets of his training kit, but then he would run the risk of it being damaged if he fell on it or the ball struck him in the wrong place.

_Then again,_ he thought ruefully as he parked and made his way inside, _if that happens then I won't have to make my mind up at all about whether to watch it or not._ He had to admit, there was something tempting about the idea of seeing Jan being punished for hurting him. The lingering immaturity that he still struggled with sometimes made the idea of seeing Jan hurt as he had been hurt somehow attractive, though he wasn't particularly proud of it.

He ended up shoving it into the zip pocket of his training jacket, hoping that he would forget it was there, but despite how small the thing was, it felt as heavy as if he were carrying around an anvil in his pocket.

He didn't look around for Jan in the dressing room as he normally would have-- he didn't talk to anyone, as a matter of fact, just kept his head down, got himself ready, and headed outside as quickly as he could. The bite of the chilly October air was refreshing, and it helped to clear his head, let him focus on football rather than on his personal life.

He did some quick, basic warmups, then started working with a rebounder, just to get a bit of blood flow going before the others came out. He was just beginning to breathe a bit harder when the doors opened and the rest of the squad began to trickle out. He saw Eric and Dele come out together, as always, laughing over something or other; Michel pulling on his gloves, deep in conversation with Toni; the Spanish boys emerging in a group as always, Gio and Coco, then Juan, and Paulo--

Harry clenched his jaw, jerking his face away from the doors. He didn't want to look at Paulo right now, didn't want to feel guilty for resenting him, didn't want to think about what it would be like to see him spanking Jan, to watch Jan cry out in pain under his hand. He stared down at his feet instead, trying to forget about the little USB stick tucked away in his pocket and the promise it held. He wanted to watch it, he _hated_ how badly he wanted to watch it, hated how much power the idea of it had over him. He loved Jan with everything he had; shouldn't the idea of watching him being hurt be repugnant, not attractive?

_Fuck you,_ he thought bitterly, casting the thought in Paulo's general direction. It was easier to blame him, somehow. It made it easier, less painful, to forget that Jan was the one he was actually angry with.

The squad was assembling on the pitch now, the various coaches waving everyone into the centre for the usual quick chat before they divided into groups for training. He began to drift in that direction as well, feeling as though he was on autopilot despite the weight inside his stomach that felt like an anchor that would keep him from ever moving again, if he let it.

He was more or less able to focus on training, luckily-- Paulo was across the pitch with the rest of the goalkeepers. He ended up being in a different group than Jan, though he could still feel him nearby, could tell exactly where he was even though Harry refused to look at him.

This could work. If he was able to keep clear of them, if he could avoid looking at Jan, pretend Paulo wasn't there at all, maybe he could get through this day unscathed.

He hadn't counted on Toby, however. At one point they ended up next to each other in the box, but Harry was too preoccupied with trying to ignore Jan and Paulo to register Toby's presence at all.

"Hey," Toby muttered from right next to him, making Harry jump what felt like a mile.

"Hey," he said shortly, trying not to let show how agitated he was. He had never really gotten close to Toby, had never gotten comfortable with him in his private life. He knew that part of it was down to Toby's muted disapproval of his relationship with Jan, his level of discomfort with the age gap between Harry and Jan. It didn't particularly bother Harry. He didn't expect Toby's mind to change any time soon, and he wasn't going to exhaust himself trying.

"You okay?" Toby's voice was pitched low, carefully neutral.

Harry's first instinct was to snap at him, to muster some sarcastic response, but he was suddenly tired of it, all of it, tired of feeling brittle with the people that knew him best.

"Not particularly."

Toby made a sympathetic noise as they continued to play through the box, moving almost constantly but remaining more or less next to each other as they passed the ball around the group.

"Yeah, I get that. It's a hell of a thing."

Harry waited, expecting there to be a second half to that sentence, though one didn't seem to be forthcoming. Finally he jerked his head irritably. "But?"

"But… he can't make it better if you don't give him a chance to. I know it hurts, _believe_ me. But ignoring him won't make it hurt any less."

"You sure about that?" Harry said, more tartly than he meant to.

"Yes," Toby replied quietly. "I am."

Harry's temper deflated as quickly as it had flared up. "I just… don't know if I can."

"Well, I suppose you could always talk to Dries about it," Toby said lightly. "Have it out with him, or bond with him about being tiny and adorable, I don't know."

"Not bloody likely," Harry muttered.

"Then I'd talk to Jan, if I were you." Toby's voice was gentle. Too gentle. Harry couldn't stand it. "If you've loved him this long, then isn't it worth it to at least try?"

Toby moved away then, not waiting for a response-- which was just as well, since Harry didn't think he'd have been able to say anything anyway. He told himself that it was just the cold sting of the wind in his eyes that was making them water, making his vision blur. He clenched his jaw shut and didn't look up from the pitch any more than he had to until the whistle blew and they were sent back inside.

Harry's first instinct was to get out of the dressing room as quickly as he could, not to linger here, where he would have a harder time avoiding Jan. He was just about to head for the door when a shiver went down his spine, telling him that Jan was behind him. He half turned, saw Jan sitting on a bench with his head down, staring at his boots. 

Something seemed to melt inside him, just a little. He carefully sat down on the bench next to Jan-- not right next to him, of course, but with a respectable space between them. On impulse he fished out his phone.

_ <<To: Jan V [11:36]: hi _

He watched while Jan started slightly and dug out his own phone. When he looked at the screen, Jan's face lit up, sending a surge of warmth through Harry.

_ >>From: Jan V [11:37]: hi _  
_ >>From: Jan V [11:37]: baby, I'm so sorry _  
_ >>From: Jan V [11:37]: I should have told you about Dries right away, I just wasn't thinking _

_ <<To: Jan V [11:37]: honestly im almost more upset u didn't tell him about me _

_ >>From: Jan V [11:37]: definitely should have done that too _  
_ >>From: Jan V [11:38]: obviously I wasn't thinking there either _

Harry didn't answer for a while, waiting to see if Jan would offer anything else, an excuse, an offer to make it up to him, a protestation of undying love…

_Okay, let's not get carried away,_ he reminded himself. When his phone eventually buzzed again, though, it wasn't any of those things.

_ >>From: Jan V [11:38]: I'd like to spend this evening with you _  
_ >>From: Jan V [11:38]: can I come to your place? _

Harry could see, in his mind, the look on Juanito's face if he found out about that.

_ <<To: Jan V [11:39]: yeah, ok _  
_ <<To: Jan V [11:39]: only bc we need to talk _

It felt strange, being so assertive with Jan, but he didn't care right now. He could afford to be submissive when he wasn't in this much pain.

_ >>From: Jan V [11:39]: of course _

_ <<To: Jan V [11:39]: ok good _  
_ <<To: Jan V [11:39]: now I'm gonna go eat something. See u later at home _

He didn't wait for a response, just locked his phone and shoved it into his back pocket, heading out of the dressing room without even glancing at Jan.

The walk to the canteen was a short one, but Harry dawdled as much as he reasonably could, wanting to try to calm down.

He went to shove his hands in his front pockets, only to find that they were both zipped shut. Of course-- he had actually forgotten about the USB drive Paulo had given him, still securely stowed in a pocket. _Weird,_ he thought absently. _Don't remember zipping up the other one, though._

He unzipped both pockets and slipped his hands inside them. As he had expected, the little USB drive was still in the one pocket, warm from his body heat. In the other, though, he discovered a piece of paper that definitely hadn't been there this morning. He stopped in his tracks and furrowed his brow as he pulled it out. He was wearing a training kit fresh from the kit man; there was no way anything had been accidentally left in a pocket.

It was a folded note, scribbled hastily in handwriting Harry didn't recognise-- not that there was anyone whose handwriting he _would_ have recognised. It was a mobile number, next to the word _Dries._ Below that, it simply said _Just in case._

He stared at it for a long time, his mind whirling. Beyond the question of how exactly Toby had slipped the note into his pocket and zipped it up without his noticing, he wouldn't have thought that Toby was actually serious in suggesting that he talk to Dries. It seemed like a laughable idea, like throwing petrol on a fire. It would almost certainly not end well for anyone concerned.

But…

He shook his head, folded the paper back over, and put it back in his pocket, then continued on to the canteen, hands in his pockets, each one idly toying with the strange gifts he'd been given today. He wasn't usually the strong one in his relationship with Jan, or with just about anyone. He had never really minded. In some ways he liked being the one everyone cooed over and tried to take care of, liked the submissive role. But these things, somehow, they made him feel… powerful. Watching the footage of Jan's punishment, talking to Dries, these were choices that had the potential to change things, for better or worse, but they were _his_ choices, not anyone else's. It was rather a strange feeling.

He decided he liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can read about the beginning of Harry & Juanito's friendship [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22679953).


	6. Epilogue

Juan slowly opened his eyes. He wasn't entirely sure why he was awake; his internal clock told him that it was still the middle of the night, and he rarely had trouble sleeping straight through to morning, without interruptions.

He blinked blearily at the ceiling, trying to figure out why there was a faint light in the room-- Ariana had hung blackout curtains as soon as she had moved to England, and normally their bedroom was absolutely pitch black at night.

The light brightened slightly, and there was a soft buzzing sound coming from the side. Juan squinted, automatically reaching out a hand to swipe his phone off of the bedside table. He usually switched off his mobile at night, to avoid being woken up by messages from someone back home in Argentina who forgot about the time difference.

But this wasn't from anyone in Argentina, or indeed from outside of London.

_ >>From: Harry W [02:18]: hey im sorry I know ur probably asleep but I just need to talk to someone _  
_ >>From: Harry W [02:18]: jan came over tonight and we talked _  
_ >>From: Harry W [02:19]: well… kind of _  
_ >>From: Harry W [02:19]: I started to tell him everything and he just got this look on his face and I panicked that he was going to dump me _  
_ >>From: Harry W [02:19]: I was crying and he hugged me and well… _

_ <<To: Harry W [02:19]: and? _  
_ <<To: Harry W [02:20]: did you sleep with him? _

_ >>From: Harry W [02:21]: ...kind of _  
_ >>From: Harry W [02:21]: sorry i woke u up _

_ <<To: Harry W [02:21]: don't worry about that _  
_ <<To: Harry W [02:21]: did you talk more after? _

_ >>From: Harry W [02:21]: no, he fell asleep _

_ <<To: Harry W [02:21]: is he still there? Maybe you can try again _

_ >>From: Harry W [02:21]: been trying to work up the courage all night _  
_ >>From: Harry W [02:22]: or more accurately I've been lying here crying and trying to talk myself out of being so upset about this _  
_ >>From: Harry W [02:22]: im such a fucking coward _

_ <<To: Harry W [02:23]: hey, no one talks about my friend like that, don't make me come over there _  
_ <<To: Harry W [02:23]: you need to give yourself a break _

_ <<To: Harry W [02:23]: being scared don't make you a coward _  
_ <<To: Harry W [02:24]: thinking maybe you lose someone you love is a scary thing _  
_ <<To: Harry W [02:24]: maybe it's okay if it take you a little time to work up to it _

_ >>From: Harry W [02:24]: what if I never work up to it? _

_ <<To: Harry W [02:24]: you will. I believe in you _

It took long enough for Harry to reply that Juan's eyes began to droop shut, and the sudden buzz, when it came, startled him awake again with a small jolt.

_ >>From: Harry W [02:26]: thanks, 'mano _

_ <<To: Harry W [02:26]: you're welcome. Now get some sleep if you can _

_ >>From: Harry W [02:27]: okay :) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap on this particular little story! These boys won't let me rest, though-- a constant stream of new ideas mean that I have a ton of WIPs going, which is why I'm being so slow to get things posted 😂
> 
> You can find me on tumblr as amethyst-fox-jv if you want to chat, or you can leave comments here (ngl comments are like crack for me). Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from _Crazy For You_ by Adele.


End file.
